Forest and Notts both appoint new managers, Drop In The Ocean raises £27,000, Freemasons come out, Granny drops sandwich
June 1
A Google survey claims that Nottingham’s most popular searches include Brian Clough, Robin Hood, Ferraris, gourmet food and Tom Cruise. All I need to do is create a porn site with Robin Hood ramming arrows up Tom Cruise’s ringpiece whilst bent over a sports car while Cloughie rubs coq au vin into his chest and I’m minted.
June 3
Forest announce the appointment of Colin Calderwood as new manager and ramp up their season ticket price by 10%. This means it could cost you up to £40 more to chuck it on the pitch in September after another crap start to the season.
June 8
Bad news if you’re a Samurai, Gurkha or in the Swiss Army and you commute into town from Beeston. Nottingham Station installs knife detectors.
June 9
Nottingham’s first cemetery in 85 years opens in Bulwell, with separate Christian and Muslim areas. Why? Are the council scared of a potential undead race war, with skellys hacking at each other like in Jason and the Argonauts?
June 10
There’s a bus strike. Funnily enough, it’s on the same day as the first England game in the World Cup. England are fucking shite. There isn’t another bus strike. Fancy that.
June 11
Drop In The Ocean raises over £27,000 for the Pakistan Earthquake Fund and the building of a shelter for kids in Cambodia rescued from sex tourism. It was skill.
June 12
Notts County announce the appointment of Steve Thompson as their new manager, much to the delight of Mansfield Town fans.
June 18
Hooray! Hooray! It’s a Freemasons open day! The local masons throw open the doors of their lodge (next door to the Rescue Rooms), in order to prove that they’re not lizards who blew up the World Trade Center and then blamed it on Osama bin Laden.
June 19
Seventy bible-bashing mentalists from Christian Voice, the organisation that likes outing Gay policemen on their website, hold a protest outside the Concert Hall against the (yawn) ‘controversial’ Jerry Springer: The Opera. A bad day for Free Speech, but a great one for me, as I meant I could have bum-sex with goats on the steps of the Council House in tribute to the Horned One without being hassled. Ha!
June 21
It’s the League Cup draw. Forest get Accrington Stanley, Notts get Palace, but why are Forest in the Northern section while Notts (who are a few hundred yards to the north of the
City Ground) are in the Southern section? While we’re on the subject, why is it called the City Ground when it’s in Rushcliffe?
June 23
The tram wins an award for regenerating Radford and Hucknall, presumably after convincing the locals it wasn’t a big metal snake that virgins had to be sacrificed to, or summat.
June 24
Mouth-breathers in Mansfield stage a reconstruction of Assault On Precinct 13 bricking a police station twice in 24 hours. It’s not known whether they then left a cholo on the floor
made out of their Mams tea towels.
June 26
Post story of the month: our lovely, wouldn’t-think-about-ripping-anyone-off-ever cabbies are kerbcrawling on behalf of blokes who are too scared to go up Forest Road themselves. According to the Post, some of the punters are so battered that they can’t stand up and have to be taken to a hotel. However, they fail to mention the escorts in their classified section who offer a ‘very thorough massage’.
June 28
A dead rich Notts businessman gets banged up in Singapore for the double murder of his chauffeur and the chauffer’s girlfriend. On hearing the result, he curls his fingers into a
‘WB’ and shouts “I roll deep with Bridgford! Park Killa 4 Life!” Alright, I made that last bit up.
June 30
Three local blokes are jailed for an extremely long time at the end of the Stirland murder trial. One of them still can’t be named for legal reasons, which doesn’t stop the Post devoting half of Sherwood Forest to the story.
July 1
England finally bring their limp dog’s-cock of a World Cup campaign to its inevitable end, causing mass outbreaks of sulking across the city. Meanwhile, Bestwood decides to have a riot, with police horses, riot shields, helicopters and everything, as a reaction to the events of June 30th. On an even more depressing note, a lad is stabbed to death at Cuba Libre.
July 3
81 year-old Beryl Withers of Basford gets threatened with a two grand fine for dropping a bit of sandwich for the pigeons outside Specsavers at Viccy Centre, causing a epidemic of
whining letters to the Post.
July 4
Jake Shaw of Mapperley gets two parking tickets, due to his permit being obscured by bird shit on his windscreen. You see the trouble you’ve caused, Beryl Withers of Basford?
July 5
Nottinghamshire’s status as Crime Capital of the Universe is sealed, as a concrete bagpiper garden ornament is nicked in Ilkeston.
July 6
A Tory councillor gets a right mard-on about the council donating two grand to Nottingham Pride, spouting the usual Political-Correctness-Gone-Mad wank. Cha. Doesn’t this woman know how much poppers cost these days?
July 7
Nottingham’s knockers-like-two-Spacehoppers-in-a-cupboard icon Lea gets voted out of Big Brother. Rat-boys in Top Valley react to this crushing blow to the city’s spirit by burning down the local Tesco.
July 9
More Saturday night miserableness: a shooting at The Edge puts three people in hospital. More importantly, it gives twats who live in the wanker-flats across the road the chance to have a good bleat. “I have problems getting friends to come and visit me, they are so frightened of what might happen to them.” says one of them. Serves you right for living in a ponce-box then, doesn’t it?
July 15
It is revealed that Forest and County spent much of 1990 thinking quite hard about sharing a 60,000 stadium on the site of the old Wilford power station, but Cloughie canned the idea. Thank god!
July 16
No-one gets shot or stabbed in town. Well done, everybody.
July 20
New survey, Nottingham, crime capital, blah blah fucking blah.
July 21-31
It was dead hot.
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