Arnold bloke with ASBOs knobs hookers, Skysurfer removed from Bridgford, Broadway gets drink licence back and the Great Nottingham Weed Famine continues
1 August
The Post throws up its hand in horror at the news that an Arnold bloke with an ASBO for kerb-crawling is still nobbing prostitutes. Note to police; think about putting the tag somewhere else next time…
2 August
Hero of the bi-month: Arnold shopkeeper Kuldeep Lalli responded to a chav twat robbing his store by tracking him down to his flat and pinning him down until the police arrived. Hopefully getting a few knees to the head in while he waited.
3 August
Another crushing blow for the Off-Your-Face Market, as cocaine (which as we all know is God’s way of letting men know how it feels to queue up for a nightclub toilet) worth a hundred grand is recovered by police on a train to Nottingham.
5 August
A Skysurfer (whatever the fuck that is) is removed from a park in Bridgford because adults are coming out the pub and quite rightly fancying a go on it. As someone who believes that the Council should pull down the current Castle and replace it with a bouncy one, I weep at the backwardness of this move.
8 August
Rock City dishes out their most expensive ticket ever, a whopping £33, for the arrival of eighties hair-and-bulge act Whitesnake. Those armadillos down the trousers don’t come cheap, y’know.
10 August
Nottingham East Midlands Airport reacts to recently-uncovered terrorist plot by going on severe lockdown, banning hand luggage, liquids and…oh, sorry about that. I stopped writing this half an hour ago to see if there were any crumbs of weed on the carpet somewhere and now I’ve lost me thread.
12 August
Notts get skanked by Leicestershire in the final of the Twenty20 Cup at Trent Bridge when the umpires fail to call an obvious no-ball in the final over. Grr!
13 August
A 66 year-old former rowing club president from Chilwell gets four months in the Naughty Room for lumping a woman on the head with a wine bottle on a flight, after his defence that he knows a former Tory MP falls flat. “If it happened on a bus or train an apology would have sufficed. But it happened on a plane and in these days of zero tolerance, situations escalate out of proportion” says his missus. Political Correctness, eh?
16 August
An epochal day in Nottingham history, as Primark opens. Offices all over the city centre are full of women gassing on about how they bought an entire outfit for 75p and pulling out bits of cloth and clucking at each other.
18 August
At long last. Broadway gets its drinks license back and the city breathes a sigh of relief. All summer, film buffs have been rampaging through the city, getting into fights over whether Ingmar Bergman was a better auteur than Yukio Mishima and ramming copies of Halliwell’s into each other’s faces.
21 August
The Broad Marsh Centre, the red-headed stepchild of Nottingham retail, reports a flasher on the premises. People are warned not to approach him, mainly because you’d have to go in the Broado to do that and its rubbish, isn’t it?
22 August
Accrington Stanley knock Forest out of the League Cup, or whatever it’s called this year, sparking bad Scouse accents in the black and white half of town. Meanwhile, Notts County beat Crystal Palace.
23 August
The Turf Tavern, home of the most wonderfully chelpy landlady in town, shuts down. Expect another faceless ponce bar to take its place because, as you know, we really need another one of those kind of bars.
27 August
Official ‘If you’ve still got England flags on your house it means you’re a racist’ Day passes without incident.
3 September
A new community sentencing project where people in St Anns and Aspley get to decide how criminals are to be dealt with is announced. The council had better think about getting some gallows fitted in the new Square, then. Personally, I’d like to see the Burberry Ape and his minging missus who nicked my phone in the Social the other week be made to pick up broken glass with their arse cheeks. Live on East Midlands Today.
5 September
Hardy and Hanson, the last Notts-owned brewery in the county, is sold off to some yokels in Suffolk, ending hundreds of years of tradition. Bah.
7 September
‘Lifestyle club brand’ (retch) Gatecrasher buys Media, with… and please excuse me while I vomit on my keyboard… ‘an accent on elegant clubbing’. On the upside, they intend to restore the Grade II listed building to its former glory. On the downside, they’ve not said owt about changing the crap name.
8 September
The Post go right into one at the news that Notts County Council are ‘cancelling Christmas’ by imposing new Health and Safety laws on outside decorations. About time…I’m sick of my estate looking like a North Korean shopping centre for three months.
9 September
The Bar Humbug lapdancing saga drags on like a wounded hedgehog, as the Council slap down a bid to keep it open until 4am. The owners’ plans to ensure an upmarket audience include charging six quid a pint, proving that they’re the biggest tits anyone has ever seen in that dump.
13 September
The Great Nottingham weed famine is in full effect.
17 September
Bouncers from Templars come to the aid of another stabbing victim in town, administering first aid and alerting the authorities. Then they told the poor sod he couldn’t come in because there was all blood on his trainers. Alright, I made that last bit up.
18 September
The police announce that an officer has lost fifteen rounds of ammunition somewhere in town, so do ‘em a favour and have a look down the back of your sofa. Oh, and if there’s any spare buds down there…
19 September
Notts County beat Middlesbrough in the second round of the League Cup. Crikey!
20 September
Lower division footballers are seen weeping openly over the selling-off of Geisha, one of those places where bell-ends go when they get promoted up to Cheese Manager at Asda. The downside is when they have to shoulder-barge the front door of their ponceboxes down in order to get past the mound of final demand notices from Capital One... and then have a good roar about their utterly vacuous life.
21 September
A thong-eating dog from Stapleford needs an operation to have a pink g-string removed from his intestines, after eating ten over the course of a year. “We have to make sure that nobody leaves any pants on the bathroom floor,” said his owner. “We put them in the basket straight away otherwise he will surely have a pair.” Fact: my Mam once pulled a bra out of a dog’s arse.
22 September
A bogus doctor is discovered prowling around the QMC. Here’s an idea... why not get him to work in the A&E at weekends and deal with pissheads who have had a fight with their own reflection in bus shelters?
23 September
Notts CCC, who were champions last season, get relegated from the top flight of county cricket.
26 September
The season for thick twats letting off fireworks, even in the day when you can’t see anything and it’s nowhere near bonfire night, officially begins. It is scheduled to end on 13 March 13 2007.
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