Russell Crowe announced as the new Robin Hood, police adopt smackheads, new tramline mithering, Mansfield v Notts County ends in a bore draw
February 1
Violent and usually drunk Australian bit of rough Russell Crowe will play the Sheriff of Nottingham in another film about Robin Hood, it is announced. It’s bound to be cack, so we’ll say no more about it.
February 2
Notts Constabulary announce plans to adopt drug addicts and I dunno what to make of it. On one hand, I can’t think of a more heart-warming sight than seeing a copper taking half a dozen crack addicts from Sneinton to Tales of Robin Hood on a Saturday afternoon, but I can also see the impracticalities of chasing down a shoplifter whilst pushing a smackhead in a buggy.
February 5
Heroin addicts in Nottingham shit themselves even more than usual over the appearance of an extra-strong batch of Zammopowder in the city that kills two of them.
February 7
According to Home Office figures, violent attacks in Nottingham Prison have increased tenfold over the past ten years. They didn’t say anything about bumming, sorry.
February 8
Plans for a 100-metre high tower bestraddling Victoria Embankment like a environmentally-friendly colossus are announced, featuring wind turbines, an energy learning centre and a skate park. Hopefully, someone will work out how to harness the power of middle-class kids falling off skateboards and do something useful with it.
February 9
In order to save time when writing this, all I have to do is press Alt-Shift-Ctrl-F2 at the same time and the phrase ‘There’s been a shooting in St Anns’ pops up.
February 12
The Police announce that drink-related violent offences have dropped by 20% in the city centre. Latest figures from the Market Square beat reveal that – hang on a minute…most of that’s been a bleddy building site for the last two years! In other news, office stationary theft at the World Trade Centre has dropped off considerably since 2001.
February 16
Two scab-bags in Bulwell rob a local shop after threatening customers and staff with a sword. God knows what’ll happen there when someone discovers gunpowder. The youths were described as wearing ‘sports clothing’, which narrows it down to 50,000 or so. The static coming off those Lonsdale tracky tops could electrify a supermarket.
February 19
Teenagers from Notts get sent to Belfast to learn how to resolve violent conflict. So if you start seeing big murals of 50 Cent on the sides of houses in the Meadows and pipe bands up and down Bestwood, you’ll know why.
March 5
More mithering over the two new tram lines that should have been built ages ago to Clifton, Chilwell and Beeston. Sigh.
March 6
A Broxtowe woman is found guilty of receiving an entire kitchen nicked from the house across the road, whipped by an exboyfriend with a very large holdall and fitted while she was – ahem - bathing her kids. It happens to me all the time… I curled one off this morning only to discover an entire marble bathroom suite that wasn’t there before.
March 7
The council announces that Princess Anne will open the Market Square on 3 April, but they don’t actually say what she’ll be doing. Will she have the inaugural slash in the Square? Will she punch the Lord Mayor in the face in the official first fight by the Lions? There’s also going to be loads of concerts by people like The Magic Numbers and Tony Hadley.
March 8
Newark MP Patrick Mercer is forced to quit his role as Shadow homeland security spokesman (the chocolate teapot of the political realm) after stating in an interview that he’d met ‘a lot’ of ‘idle and useless’ ethnic minority soldiers who used racism as a ‘cover’.
March 9
A 17 year-old lad is stabbed to death in Nottingham, but the national media are too busy wringing their hands over the stabbings in London to notice.
March 12
The big local derby between Notts County and Mansfield (imagine Barcelona v Real Madrid but made out of Lego) passes without incident. Or goals.
March 13
The burglary rate in Nottingham has dropped to its lowest level for seven years. In forty years time, you’ll be telling your grandchildren about those golden days in 2007 when you could leave your fifth door lock on the snick.
March 14
Police step up patrols in a crackdown on Bulwell mouth-breathers who throw stones at the trams and leave branches on the line, as if it was a big metal snake that was going to decimate their crops of industrial-strength hydroponic skunk and devour the local virgin.
March 15
A divvy local solicitor admits attempting to smuggle weed into the local magistrate’s court for a crim on a drugs offence. Thank God she wasn’t defending a TWOCer.
March 16
After weeks of voting, it’s announced that the Notts band who won the chance to play the opening of the Market Square are Captain Dangerous.
March 17
Nottingham city centre reeks of Tory, as David Cameron and the other ones no-one can put a name to pretend to be a unified party on the cusp of power. See you next time there’s a General Election, chaps – oh, hang on, we won’t, because you never win owt round here unless you’re Kenneth Clarke.
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