After a short break running paper shops, icing down knees and chatting up gormless birds in Geisha, our city’s lower division footballers prepare for another season of cloggery and huffing. We asked NFFC Blog and Martin Naylor – our regular contributors to Left Brian and Left ‘Pie-On – to give us a rundown on what a gwan on both sides of t’Trent…
If your team's performance last season was a pub in town, what would it be?
Forest: The Pitcher and Piano – a grand old edifice converted to a base level of entertainment. Former glories are disregarded as folks pile in to binge drink and (until recently) smoke the place into a frenzy of distastefulness. Also, where it really matters, there’s not enough width and too few staff on hand to meet the expectations of a demanding crowd.
County: Langtrys - its best days are behind it and it's full of moaning old boggers, but you can't help sneaking in there for a cheeky pint.
Best moment of last season
Forest: Pre-Christmas was nice – we were top for most of that.
County: The 2-0 Carling Cup win over Southampton. A great team performance and a pleasure to see someone like Gareth Bale, a genuinely talented and seemingly level-headed footballer grace the Meadow Lane turf. Shame he's a plastic Taff.
Worst moment of last season
Forest: When Arron Davies scored the decisive goal to end our chance of going to the playoff final after THAT shameful performance at the City Ground.
County: With our home form as up and down all season, it was mainly every other Saturday after you'd masticated your last mouthful of pie and settled down to the randomfest that manifested itself before you.
Player of the year
Forest: James Perch – flexible and energetic. He’s going to have a struggle on his hands to retain a midfield role this season, though.
County: Mike Edwards - calm and collected centre-half who (once Steve Thompson realised he wasn't a midfielder) spent three quarters of the season covering for the donkey captain he put in place.
Dead ‘oss of the year
Forest: Most would say Gary Holt, but the overriding contributor was the manager. Smoulds let people go in January who he didn’t replace, and it cost us big time. Also his tactics were overly negative and questionable at really key points. This coming season is his chance to make amends – with his own team – and I expect him to grasp the nettle and go for it.
County: That'll be said donkey captain Alan White. Every time there was a substitution at Meadow Lane and the board went up, you could hear 2000 people in the Jimmy Sirrel Stand screaming; "NUMBER 5. PLEASE LET IT BE NUMBER 5"
If your manager was a member of your family, who would he be?
Forest: A suave single uncle, who - despite there being no evidence or reason for it - fellow family members feel uncomfortable leaving their children with.
County: My Uncle David. Likeable, jovial and overweight. Thommo probably went to stay at his gaff in Cyprus for his holiday.
What's the preseason been like for your club?
Forest: Positive. The squad are off training in Austria, and have a mixture of challenging and decent preseason games. I’m still not sure of the sensibility of playing the Sheep though.
County: At time of writing, we've not kicked a ball in anger, so that's probably a good thing. We've a couple of friendlies lined up where anything can, and probably will, happen.
Any new players?
Forest: We’ve picked up Neil Lennon (who will provide much needed leadership), Matt Lockwood (an energetic attacking left back), Chris Cohen (creative central midfielder), and Arron Davies (who can operate on either flank or upfront – and caused havoc in the playoffs against us. If nothing else, we should have put a dent in Yeovil’s season)
County: Paul Mayo - a versatile left back who has always impressed me when he's played against us for Lincoln. Big bruiser "Hannibal" Hector Sam has arrived to play up front, and we've signed some 6ft 2" midfielder from Peterborough called Butcher. Myles Weston, a tricky young winger who is too good for our division from Charlton, whilst I still can't say the name Spencer Weir-Daley without thinking he must have played Quidditch at Hogwarts.
Who have you got shot of?
Forest: Plenty, and I don’t think we’ll miss many of them. Jack Lester, Rune Pedersen, John Thompson, Ross Gardner, Spencer Weir-Daley are probably the most notable ones. Which just goes to show how much chaff we’d accumulated.
County: Fans favourite and pecced-up poseur David Pipe. Ran his heart out for the team and will be missed by the fans for his commitment to the cause rather than his genuine footballing ability...
Any kit changes?
Forest: We have lost the ‘just like watching Brazil’ yellow monstrosity in favour of a more tasteful white away kit. Our third kit will apparently change from navy blue to black, although that’s unconfirmed.
County: Of course. The new one actually looks half-decent as it goes, not that a fat lad like me is the target market.
What's the stupidest thing in your club shop?
Forest: Endless postcards of players long since departed, which you wouldn’t have wanted even when they were still Forest players – let alone now we’re finally shot of them…
County: Those baby bibs that say "Notts County's Greatest Dribbler." Do you get it? 'Dribbler' like a winger, you know, Adie Thorpe, Dave Smith, Steve Carter and also 'Dribbler' as in, he's a baby, he 'dribbles' his food!!!! LOL!!!
At what precise date will ou realise the season is shagged beyond repair?
Forest: I expect a strong start, a terrible winter and a sense that we’re consigned to the playoffs again at some point towards the end of March. Again.
County: February 14th. Romance in the air, alongside the unmistakable stench of mid-table mediocrity.
Give our incoming students a reason why they should come to your ground
Forest: You can sit in the intoxicating atmosphere of the City Ground for a mere £10 if you’re an NUS card holder. Admittedly you’ll be in the Upper Clough stand where there is more atmosphere in a library, but it’s cheap.
County: We're a moaning bunch, but we're a friendly bunch. There's rarely any trouble in or around Meadow Lane.
Say summat nice about your rival club
Forest: Does that mean I have to pretend Notts are a rival club? Oh, erm… well, I don’t mind the Pies, and with a superlative former-Forest strikeforce of Spencer Weir-Daley and Jason Lee, surely they’ll take League Two by storm?
County: They've signed a former Notts player in the worryingly laid-back-at-times Kelvin Wilson. I liked him.
Forest and Notts should really merge and play in a nice new megabowl in Clifton, shouldn't they?
Forest: I don’t see the benefit in a merge. Both sides have grounds that are more than sufficient for their likely needs over coming years – but given that it’ll take around 7-8 years to get through planning to construction then perhaps a bit of forward planning is in order. I wouldn’t want a merge, under any circumstances – as I’m sure most Notts fans wouldn’t – and really I wouldn’t want a ground share either.
County: They should if you're the city council and you've a greedy eye on the riverside development I suppose. I'm not so sure the idea of a 35,000 stadium that rarely gets more than 20,000 for Fo*est and 5000 for Notts is that sensible though.
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