Round up of the last two months in Notts featuring: The Christmas Market, EDL, World Cup stadia, chavs on the bus and Poundland's VAT hit
24 November
The Christmas Market, that was supposedly non-German, opens, selling massive sausages and Gluhwein. Which presumably came from Malta, then. The way this country is going down the pan, next year we’ll have an East German Market, where people end up queueing all the way to Sneinton for potatoes, pirated Elton John cassettes and jeans with ‘I CRAZE FOR JIMMY OSMON’ patches that cost three weeks wages.
28 November
A local member of the EDL – the group of middle-aged potato-faced Muslim-botherers who stand around Defending England for a couple of hours before giving up and going to the nearest Wetherspoons - is arrested in Nuneaton for robbery. Of oxygen, presumably.
2 December
FIFA decide to give the 2018 World Cup to Russia instead of England, meaning that we’ll have to wait thirty years before we can bid for it again, by which time Rollerball will have started up. On the plus side, it means that all this rammell about Forest and County sharing a stadium too big for both of them, way out in Banjoland, is dead in the water for a few more years, thank God.
3 December
May Contain Notts witnesses what could be the most pathetic fight on a bus ever, on the number 89 to Rise Park. Message to Mong No.1: next time you attempt a roundhouse kick to someone’s head, make sure to pull your trousers up over your knees first. Message to Mong No.2: Next time you’re fronting up to someone, try not to scream “GERROFF MEH! YER GET MEH! GERROFF MEH! YER GET MEH!” over and over again. Message to MongNo.1’s girlfriend: When trying to explain what happened to the police, referring to the assailant as ‘Manz’ doesn’t really help unless you point to him at the same time.
4 December
While I’m on the subject: youths who deploy words traditionally ending with ‘S’ with a ‘Z’ – do you know who you actually sound like? Six-toed, sister-shagging farmhands from Somerset. When you refer to St Anns as ‘Stanz’, you actually make it sound like the sort of village the Famous Five used to holiday at. Why don’t you go the whole way and stand about on Pelham Street in a Nikebranded smock, playing the Wurzels on your mobiles?
6 December
A foot spa opens up in Viccy Centre, offering people the chance to have their dead skin nibbled away at by garra rufa fish. ‘Britain’s Newest (And Scariest) Beauty Fad’, says the Daily Mail. ‘Tekking Jobs Off Kids In Bulwell’, says May Contain Notts.
10 December
Police in Langley Mill announce plans for meet-and-greet sessions with the public called ‘Cuppa With A Copper’. Great idea. Maybe they can do toast an’all, and call it ‘Bread With A Fed’.
16 December
May Contain Notts’ nephew has his junior school nativity. He plays one of King Herod’s advisors. After telling King Herod that he needs to kill loads of babies, they all do the conga. This is why May Contain Notts isn’t wringing out its knickers about reports of the Koran being introduced to British schools; it’ll just be a load of kids dressed up as papier mache mountains and getting upset that they’re playing 72nd Virgin again.
25 December
Christmas. May Contain Notts’ Mam is overheard saying “I’m going to mek you drink them non-alcohol beers he bought you even if they bastard well choke yer” to his Dad.
26 December
There’s a shooting in St Anns. I don’t mean to be flippant, but you really must hate someone to be bothered enough to shoot them on Boxing Day, lolling on the settee with a tin of Quality Street on your gut, wondering if there’s any more sausage rolls about and looking for something on the telly that isn’t Only Fools And Horses.
29 December
Forest wrestle Derby County to the floor, pull their pants down in the street, and expose their inadequately small footballing genitalia to the rest of the Championship.
31 December
There’s a stabbing in town. And sorry to be really flippant again, but you must be really angry to do that sort of thing on New Years Eve, when you’d normally shake Hitler’s hand and say “All the best, duckeh” before looking about for any Sharons for a snog up against one of the Lions.
2 January
Recovering alcoholic wankstain AA Gill, a mediocre columnist who once wrote about shooting a monkey in a failed attempt to be Jeremy Clarkson, reviews Harts for the Sunday Times, making disparaging mention of Goose Fair. May Contain Notts can’t be arsed to look it up online, but the words ‘Black pudding’ were used. Oh dear.
3 January
Trent FM dies, and Capital East Midlands bursts from the maggoty corpse. Unfortunately, this means that Twiggy and Emma now get to make people in Leicester and Derby want to ram knitting needles through their tabs as well. “We’ve got some massive Usher news!” bellows the hateful Twiggy, like the Happy Shopper Dale Winton he is. Oh, so is he looking at properties in the Sneinton area, then? No? Click.
4 January
VAT gets whacked up, resulting in Poundland charging an extra penny for their carrier bags. Absolute chaos.
7 January
A panto version of Robin Hood in Glasgow gets done for breaking the rules of the Geneva Convention, as one of the nurses had a red cross on her costume. What’s even worse is that the part of our Robbo has been defiled by lovable Cockney racist alcoholic wifebeater Jim ‘Twat Twat’ Davidson. Christ, on a crisp packet, if Russell Crowe wasn’t bad enough. Who next - Gary Glitter?
8 January
The third round of the FA Cup – a trophy that hasn’t been in Nottingham since the days before America had a space programme – results in a joyous treble of Forest not cocking up against Preston, County shocking the country by beating Sunderland, and Derby being humiliated by Crawley. Next day, in the draw for the fourth round, Jim Rosenthal asks a confused soldier on live TV if he’d like to be in a war with Stuart Pearce, in a manner not unlike that pilot in Airplane! who kept asking that kid if he liked gladiator movies.
9 January
A deranged student goes on a shooting rampage in Tucson, Arizona, shooting nineteen people (including local Representative Gabrielle Giffords) and killing six of them. ‘Eeh, America – it’s getting more like that Nottingham every day, in’t it?’, says a banner graphic on Fox News.
13 January
Nottingham’s apparent ambition to become as bland and faceless as every other city in this split colostomy bag of a country continues as the old Tales of Robin Hood is converted into another Tesco Express.
18 January
Sven Goran Eriksson finally fulfils his promise to bring some proper money to Notts County, by letting his Leicester City side lose 4-2 to Man City and guaranteeing the Magpies £150,000 worth of telly money in the next round.
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