The Worst Films of 2017

The Comedian

How many final nails have been hammered into the coffin of Robert De Niro's career?  Dirty Grandpa, Grudge Match, Last Vegas, Killer Elite, Little Fockers, Righteous Kill, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle... His list of shit films is starting to outweigh the projects that rightly saw him labelled as one of the greatest actors of all time.  His latest could arguably be his worst yet, as he plays a comedian hamstrung by the success of the TV character he once played, trying to fix his life and career after a short stint in prison.  The presence of Harvey Keitel and Charles Grodin only further serve to depress the audience, reminding us all of the happier times of Mean Streets and Midnight Run.  The Comedian was an absolute shit-show from top to tail, and comfortably the worst film I saw all year.   

Snatched

Speaking of unfunny comedians, the latest stop on Amy Schumer's record breaking descent from ill-deserved success was the car-crash Snatched.  Poor Goldie Hawn did her level best with a script that contained fewer chuckles than your average black box recording in the story of a mother and daughter team that, whilst on holiday together, become the victims of a kidnapping attempt.  Schumer's lazy woman-child schtick wears thin within the opening scene, only to be dragged out for a merciless running time that genuinely didn't even make me think of laughing once.  Kurt Metzger, one of the writers on Inside Amy Schumer summed it up best when he said that society was so desperate to prove that women were funny (something Phyllis Diller proved half-a-fucking-century ago) that it took a five-year comedienne in Schumer, and piled on TV, stand up and film opportunities that don't usually come until a stand-up is 10, 15 or even 20 years into the business.  Her inexperience showed through: her stand-up material has dried up, her TV show has almost ground to a halt amidst countless accusations of plagiarism and, with Snatched as the latest and worst example, her film career has truly shit the bed.  

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Guy Ritchie is the epitome of a one-trick pony; and, for anyone that has re-watched Lock Stock or Snatch recently, it was a trick that wasn't really that impressive in the first place.  At this point, he's beating a horse that has been dead since the early 2000's, in one of the most pointless films in recent years: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword.  The charisma-vacuum Charlie Hunham is cast as Arthur, the back-street, dodgy dealing gangster that discovers his royal lineage due to pulling a mythical sword from the blah blah blah... A David Beckham cameo, some truly mental casting choices, a migraine-inducing script and a unforgivable running time make for a bomb that truly deserved every terrible review and awful box office return it received.  Perhaps most impressively, Ritchie managed to make a King Arthur film that was significantly shittier than the 2004 Clive Owen version.  

Kong: Skull Island

Let’s be honest, it had a lot to live up to. The 2005 movie directed by Peter Jackson wasn’t the most critically celebrated film we’ve ever seen, but it was a true Jackson masterpiece. Unfortunately, in trying to create something completely different, Jordan Vogt-Roberts directed a film that fell flat. It was full of cheesy clichés we see in far too many action films. There were a lot of guns, far too many unrealistic and unrelatable characters. There was barely a storyline. King Kong himself was the biggest yet, but in trying to create the most prominent Kong so far, the ape-likeness fell short. Simply put, it was a disappointing mess of a film.

The Death of Stalin

A controversial choice perhaps, as this has been dubbed by many as one of the best films of the year. But there’s a deeper issue around this movie that hasn’t been talked about. Joseph Stalin and the men that surrounded him were not babbling buffoons. They were not funny caricatures of white middle-aged men. They were calculating, evil murderers led by one of the most dangerous dictators to step foot on this Earth. Should a comedy film really have been made around these people? Is making light of situations such as this a clever idea? On top of the serious issues, it actually wasn’t that funny. Perhaps the odd chuckle was heard at times, but belly laughs were non-existent. A perfect example of an overrated film.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer

This film could have been put in either the best or the worst. It’s uncomfortable and artsy. It’s awkward and intense. It’s the opposite of entertaining. It’s the marmite of the film world, you’ll simply love it or you’ll hate it. It ended up in the worst rather than the best list for a couple of reasons. It toys with karma, the idea that if you do something bad, something bad will happen to you. But in a strange sort of way, this power is put into a young boy’s hands. It’s the kind of film that will be showed to film students to study, which of course is a positive thing. But if you’re after a movie that’ll give you some escapism and cheer you up after a hard day at work, this certainly isn’t it. In fact, you may find yourself in a rather melancholic state.

I've only picked two films... I'm a lover, not a hater!

Beauty and the Beast

Let’s get one thing straight. The original Disney animation of BATB is my jam; it’s been there for me in highs and lows (it was my go-to hangover film in my student days, if you’re wondering). But this was, I’m afraid, a let down. I really, really, really wanted to love this film; I mean, there were some huge names involved, it’s a tried and tested story - what could go wrong? But, sadly, this film left me feeling cold and just a little, well, meh. Perhaps it was the actual human actors that spoilt it, rather than the cartoon version that we all know and love? Or maybe it was Emma Watson looking a little wooden and distant throughout? Who knows. *shrugs* 

War for the Planet of the Apes

What’s worse than a film with monkeys? THREE WHOLE FILMS with monkeys. But not just any old monkeys - no, monkeys who are dead clever and hate humans, innit. Sigh. This was one of those date nights films where I thought I’d be the nice one for a change and let him indoors decide on. Never. Again. This, for me, was simply borefest 3000. It had no redeeming features, it was the same storylines from the previous other two films that I was made to watch (under duress, I might add) and the only thing I remember with fondness is that Ben and Jerry’s I ate at the start. 

Alien: Covenant

It could never have been as good as Alien, and it’s not as if the franchise has been entirely successful (if we’re brutally honest, everything since 1986’s Aliens has been pretty poor), but watching this was still a disappointment. Despite having Ridley Scott on board, not having Damon Lindelof involved, and featuring a cast that includes Carmen Ejogo, Billy Crudup, Demian Bichir, and two Michael Fassbenders, this was a limp, underdeveloped, and uninspired by-the-numbers (partial) remake of Alien, posing as a new story doing something interesting.

Despicable Me 3

I know what you’re thinking: Despicable Me 3 can’t have been that bad (and it wasn’t). But compared to the first two films in the series – and even Minions – this was an overstuffed and underwhelming instalment, full of too much plot and not enough jokes. Trey Parker was clearly having fun as the 80s-obsessed villain, but he was in far too little of the film to distract from the averageness and messiness of the rest of it. Paddington 2 showed us how good a family film sequel can be. Despicable Me 3 showed us how dull one could be.

Murder on the Orient Express

Kenneth Branagh stars in Kenneth Branagh’s production of Kenneth Branagh’s Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express, in which Kenneth Branagh plays Hercule Poirot and is told how clever and moral he is by an ensemble of colourful characters reduced to nothing more than their immaculate costumes by a boring and ham-fisted script, and empty and confused direction. Despite their best efforts Judi Dench, Olivia Colman, Derek Jacobi, Josh Gad, Leslie Odom Jr., Willem Dafoe, and Penelope Cruz are completely sidelined by Michael Green’s screenplay and Kenneth Branagh’s moustache. Instead, they focus more on Poirot pining over his dead love with unnecessary subtitles, weak jokes, and a supposedly Belgian accent that sounds like he is about to fart in our general direction. The glorious Michelle Pfeiffer is the only other cast member with enough meat to sufficiently ham her way through, but even then, she has to suffer the indignity of performing a song written by Branagh that plays over the end credits.​

Baywatch

Everybody’s favourite family man Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson sadly still couldn’t save this ship from sinking. The initial premise seems favourable as tensions rise between the long-time protector of the beach and the new cool kid in town, Zac Efron. But the somewhat funny jokes at Efron’s expense (they actually refer to him as ‘High School Musical’) are overshadowed by the insane plot expansion that sees lifeguards become action heroes. The film should have settled as a teen comedy, but instead tries to mimic the huge fight sequences of a Hollywood blockbuster, all in front of a very questionable green screen. Team that with some very unnecessary cameos from the original TV cast and the cringy overuse of explicit language, left this movie dead in the water.

Home Again

Girl-next-door turned badass feminist producer Reese Witherspoon had quite a year with the success of her hit HBO tv series Big Little Lies. So when I saw she was back on the big screen in a cutesy comedy I trusted that it would be reminiscent of her early crowdpleasers like Legally Blonde and Sweet Home Alabama, but even Reese’s charm couldn't turn this awkward storyline into a rom-com worth watching. The story centres itself around a newly divorced mother who offers refuge to three young and struggling filmmakers in her lavish Californian home. But as a relationship develops between her and one of the 20-somethings, her ex-husband comes back into the picture which unfolds into a very outdated ‘battle for the pretty blondes affection’ back and forth. It wasn't entirely bad, but after seeing what Reese is capable of when she has the creative control, it was disappointing to watch, to say the least.

Flatliners

Very rarely are remakes better than the original, but we can at least hope that they will expand the story and add something new. Sadly, this wasn’t the case with Flatliners, who took an interesting concept about temporary death and exploring the afterlife and filled it with cheap scare tactics that ruined a potentially intellectual subject matter. The film focuses on a group of young medical students led by Ellen Page who somehow have free reign of an underground bunker hospital where they can perform experimental procedures whenever they please. Unfortunately, things get hammy pretty quickly, as the reality and the afterlife start to collapse into one another and haunt the characters with cliches like running the bath water and words spelt in blood on the wall. The concept of the merging realities has already been done before and this movie added nothing new. This film was a cheap man's version of Inception, which ironically Ellen Page also starred in.