Let's Talk About Loss

I feel we should start in the present, and then move back. Tell me about the event you’re hosting…
The event I'm hosting is the first meet-up for Let's Talk About Loss. It's for 16-30 year olds who have lost someone significant in their life, and would like to meet others who understand what grief and loss is like. It's not a "meeting" or a talk, it's simply a get-together of like-minded people who can just hang out and get to know others in a similar situation to them. We'll have food, maybe a few games, and hopefully lots of chances to talk to people who understand completely what the death of a friend or family member is like. The event is on Saturday 10th March, from 6-9pm, and will be hosted at a large flat in central Nottingham!

Why do you think this needs to happen?
Why an evening dedicated to talking about loss?I think the event will be useful because currently, there are no support groups for young people who have lost someone close to them. Last year I met Kate Baxter, who runs the Children's Bereavement Centre, and she told me that even though they technically only worked with children (so under 16s), they still had people in their 20s coming along to the support groups. I realised that there was a desire for the support, but no one was providing it. Also, from a selfish point of view, I really want to meet other people who have experienced a similar thing to me! I think it's so helpful to chat to other people who have shared experience, whatever it is you're struggling with, and I hope that others will find it helpful. My friends are really well-meaning, but some of them have never experienced any loss or death in their life, and so they just don't know what to say. It's different if you've lost someone - being kind, sensitive and understanding tends to come easier because you know exactly how it feels.

Can you tell me why this means a lot to you?
When I was 20, my mum lost her battle with cancer, and left my dad, my brother, my sister and myself in what I can only describe as a black hole. I was completely devastated. Mum was my whole world, my best friend, and more than just a parent. I'd hoped and prayed throughout her whole illness that she would survive it, and had convinced myself that she was strong enough to beat cancer - so when she lost her fight, I was shocked and scared. For about two years, I seemingly coped really well - I set up a website to help others, I only ever spoke positively about mum, and I achieved various things that showed my friends and family that I was fine. Except I wasn't fine - and last year I crumbled suddenly and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after several panic attacks and wanting to end my life. Luckily, I saw a fantastic counsellor and doctor, and I'm doing loads better now, but it made me realise that it was time to be honest about grief. I had finally started grieving, two years after losing mum, and I needed to take my own advice and start talking about how I was feeling. That's when I realised I didn't know many other people who had lost someone, and started organising the meet-up to combat that.

You have a blog in which you share your personal journey. Can you tell me how and why this came about? And how has it helped you?
My website was set up as an outlet for me to process my own loss. I'm a writer and find that the best way to understand and heal is to write about it. So I started Let's Talk About Loss to try and heal myself. But more than that, I wanted to use my horrible experience in some sort of a positive way, and make something beautiful come out of the devastation. It sounds silly, but when mum died, I had no idea where to turn, and so I googled "charities helping women whose mothers have died". There was nothing of relevance to me - lots of amazing charities helping parents who had lost children or families who had lost mothers through childbirth, but nothing relevant to me. I was stunned and alone, feeling like there was no one to talk to. So I started writing - letters to mum, letters to death, stories about motherless-ness - I wrote all the time, and it was so cathartic. Eventually, a year after losing mum, I was brave enough to start the blog and since then I have been sharing my personal experiences through it. Also, others who have lost someone can write for the website - I've had lots of people, young and old, male and female, friends and strangers, write for the website and share their stories, which I hope have been really helpful to others.

What stigmas that surround grief and loss would you like to change and why?
Death is a taboo subject. Society tells us not to talk about death, and certainly not to grieve publicly. My friends say they don't know how to ask me about my grief, in case I get upset or even cry when I answer. It's not because they don't care - it's because we are not taught how to talk about grief. By the age of 16, it is estimated that 1 in 20 young people will have lost a parent, and that number must be much higher when 16-30s are added to the results. Most people will know someone who has lost a parent, sibling, friend or partner before they are aged 30, and at this important life-stage, it is crucial that they receive the best possible support. I want people to be able to talk openly and honestly about grief - especially young men who can often be taught to bottle up their emotions. I'm really pleased that Prince William and Prince Harry are opening up the conversation about mental health, and when I wrote to Prince Harry about my website he was really encouraging and told me that it was an important thing to do. Both of them have spoken about having to keep their emotions hidden and grieve in silence, and that is not how anyone should feel in 2018. Furthermore, there are a lot of myths about grief - for example that it is a two year linear process and you'll be "over it" within two years - that I want to target and eradicate. My grief has been delayed, messy and is a constant cycle that I will never "get over". How could I? I have lost my mother - one of the most integral people in my life. I hope that by speaking out about my experiences, I can show others that they are not alone and that we need to update the conversation on grief.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Some people aren't talkers like me, or want to write about their experiences. This is just how I am grieving and coping with my loss. I'd love to hear from anyone who has lost someone - even if you don't want to meet, or write or even talk about how you feel. My dream is just that you will know you are not alone - and that there is somewhere to go if you do want support.

Let’s Talk About Loss meetup takes place on 10 March, 2018.

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