Ayup Duck: The Latest Nottingham News

Words: Ayup Duck
Illustrations: Rikki Marr
Thursday 01 August 2019
reading time: min, words

What's been gooin' off?


Sofa King Stupid 
We’ve all had a bit of a mare moving around furniture at some point. It’s even worse when yer all ott doin’ it in this bleedin’ heat. Although it may feel like an emergency having all yer crevices dripping with sweat, most of us just get on with the job. But some plonker had the bright idea of ringing up the local bobbies to help ‘em shift their sofa. They do get some mega stick, but they sure don’t deserve to have to deal with that codswallop. Only dial 999 when you get yusens in a real pickle, or else you might stop someone else getting help who actually needs it. Shift yer own sofas, yer lazy boggers. 


Pink To Make ‘Em Wink
A lady from Toton has decorated her whole house in all kindsa shades of pink. Walls. Tights. Hair. You name it, she’s given it a lick of the colour. Say what yer like, but you gotta admire her dedication to the cause. I thought about havin’ my digs decorated with loadsa rubber duckehs, but then I imagined them all staging a coup and turfing me out, so I ducked outta that idea. 


In The Bag
Tryna do yer bit for the environment can be real tough when all the shops insist on coating everything they can get their mitts on in plastic. They’d wrap us shoppers in it if they had the chance. Luckily Boots have gone and dun the city proud by shifting from plastic bags to paper ones, which are made from recycled brown paper. It’s a small step, but we’ve gotta start somewhere, ain’t we? 


A Truckload Of Trouble
Work dos can end up real messy, and you can wake up feeling proper daft. Or you can wake up and do summat even worse than you did at the parteh. This skip truck driver was all boozed up still from the night before, and managed to crash his lorry, tip it upside down, and get arrested for being over the bleedin’ limit. If yer asking me, he shoulda skipped going to work altogether. 

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