LeftLion’s All-Seeing, All-Knowing Editor Ashley Carter Uses His Boundless Wisdom to Help You Lot Out

Hi Ash, I'm writing to you about a very personal issue, which I hope you'll agree is truly challenging. I have been dating a man for two years, who I am very much in love with. He's tall, handsome, a Derby fan. Unfortunately, there's one issue we haven't resolved - he doesn't like cheese. He joked on our Bumble chats that he was lactose intolerant, but it turns out he simply does not like the good stuff. Cheese is my life. I've tried every technique. Weaning him on with cheddar, sneaking it in his food, even outright begging. Nothing has worked. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but the cheese hate is holding me back from giving him my whole heart. Any advice would be gratefully received.

- Yours, One Sad Mouse

If you’ve been in a relationship for two years, there’s every chance you’ve socialised with other couples. And if you’ve done that, you’ll know full well that the most boring couples you can hang out with are the ones that agree on everything. They stink. Conflict is good in a relationship - it keeps things entertaining. Plus, there’s more cheese for you. You like this guy, he supports Derby and he won’t steal your Edam. Put a ring on it before I do. 

Sorry if you're looking for joke problems, but I've got a serious one. I've been with my wife for six years and I think she’s cheating on me. I saw texts on her phone from another bloke and she's always off with me lately. She hasn't said anything to me and clearly doesn't want me to know so I'm not sure what to do because I really love her.

- Nath

Firstly Nath, yes, we were looking for joke problems. But we’re here now, aren’t we? Secondly, have you ever stopped to consider the amount of effort your wife is putting in to make sure you don’t find out about her affair? Whose benefit is that for? Not hers. She’s doing that for you, mate. Maybe you should stop being so selfish and start appreciating the wife that clearly cares about you enough to not want you to find out about the side she’s getting.

I moved to Notts a few months ago and haven't made any friends, let alone found a girlfriend. I've been single for seven years now and I don't know what to do. I used apps but got constantly rejected and it just made me feel worse. I think I'm a nice guy but struggle to talk to people and don't usually make a good first impression. I'm not really sure what to do.

- MC

MC, what you’re describing as a problem I’m hearing as the zenith of existence. No time wasters, no endless group chats, no drama. You’re living the dream. Your time is your own, which is a rare thing in this day and age. You will find friends and, no doubt, a girlfriend, and will look back on this time of your life with the misty eyes of a man who didn’t know how good he had it. 

I have no idea what to do with my life after I graduate. I don't find anything interesting enough to sustain me throughout a career and I dread being stuck in a job I don't care about. 

- CV

Can I interest you in the role of Editor at a local culture magazine?

What should one do if one's colleague is awful at their job, to the point where it is making one rather irritated? 

- Anon

If this is someone from LeftLion I’m legit going to be furious. Come say it to my face, you punk. If it isn’t, I’d suggest planting some questionable pornography on their work computer and telling the boss. Problem solved. 

How can I murder my brother and get away with it?

- Emily Carter

Just lightly suggest it the next time you’re together and he’ll take care of it for you. 

I want to do something creative with my life but am too scared to fail. I also don't know where to start. I don't really know what I'm asking, Agony Ash, but I'm in a career that I don't want to be in and want to do something different like making TV or writing scripts.

- Chris

Chris, you will fail. Most people fail. In fact, everyone fails - no one is good at anything on the first try. Life is endless misery, chaos and failure. All you can control is whether you want to give it a crack or not. The worst that can happen is you’ll make a complete horse’s ass of yourself, risk financial ruin and have to re-train for a less interesting job in your forties. Actually, that does sound pretty awful. I dunno mate. Leave me out of this one. 

My parents are both in their seventies, both voted for Brexit and both read the Daily Mail. Obvs I love them because they're my parents, but it's getting harder and harder to talk to them because they talk so much shit about immigrants and all the rest of it. I try to gently educate them and they finally turned on Boris, which was a step in the right direction, but in general I feel like we're drifting further and further apart and it's getting harder to love them.

- Alice

I hear your pain Alice, truly. This is a tough place to be in. No one wants Brexit parents. Firstly, though, using phrases like ‘educate them’ makes you sound a bit of a pompous asshole, so I’d have a think about that. I know your heart is in the right place, but you come off a little Stalin-y. Secondly, parents are stubborn. Imagine how weird it must be to have your behaviour corrected by something that came out of your own genitals. I’m going to suggest a bold strategy here, Alice - next Christmas, drop the old UNO reverse on them: read a few passages from Mein Kampf over Christmas dinner and instigate conversations about how Enoch Powell was just a bit misunderstood. Perhaps even rock up in a full Union Jack dress. Maybe, just maybe, by out-mentalling them you can bring them round to your way of thinking. Either way, don’t ever tell me how this pans out. 

Trying my best to figure out why I exist and if any of my friends like me. Me and the boys have hit up a couple of places and a few people have had to face up to us, but the truth is I ain't no leader of the gang. So how do I deal with a situation like that? I don't deal with it, you see, I flee, and that's the trouble I have, I ain't a man to take account for what's happened to me and therefore, one day, I may face some heavy lifting. I'd try to swing you round my way Ash Carter but I don't know if anyone would believe anything good of me anyway.

- Billy

You sound like a good egg to me, Billy. Your friends probably like you. And who cares if they don’t? For 750,000 years, man after man had son after son, and it all led to you, Billy. That’s no coincidence. The reckoning is coming for us all my friend, and the best any of us can do is act accordingly. You’ve got this, king.

* Not only is Ashley not a trained medical professional, he’s an actual idiot who shouldn’t even be allowed to run a magazine. If you are struggling with a real problem, don’t follow his advice, talk to someone who can help.