LeftLion's Worst Films of 2014

Winter's Tale

Ashley Carter

Winter’s Tale: Not just the worst film of 2014, but also the worst thing to happen in a cinema since James Eagan Holmes. Every single person that had anything to do with this despicable mess, from stars Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe, to director Akiva Goldsman, right down to whoever did the catering, should be ashamed of themselves.

The Monuments Men: There was something hugely unsettling in how someone as experienced as George Clooney could make such a patronising, wasteful and entirely lazy film as The Monuments Men, particularly when working with such incredible source material. Clooney, Matt Damon, Bill Murray, John Goodman and Hugh Bonneville all stunk in a film that was 90% exposition, 10% action and 100% shite. 

Maps to the Stars: There were certainly worse films than David Cronenberg’s Maps to the Stars in 2014, but none quite as irritating. Having seen the film after reading a string of positive reviews, I assumed that I must have missed something. After watching it again, I came to the conclusion that it is simply the cinematic equivalent of the Emperor’s New Clothes. Maps to the Stars would have received the critical slamming it deserved had a lesser name directed it. 

Supermensch

Supermensch: The Legend of Shep Gordon: Mike Myers’s career continues to disappear down the pan, with his latest project, a documentary that essentially serves as a ninety minute ball-washing of his friend and manager Shep Gordon, who ostensibly seems like a nice enough guy, but upon further reading is actually a bit of an arse. As one-sided and boring a documentary as you are ever likely to see.

The Equalizer: There aren’t enough o’s in the world for the boo this film deserved. Denzel Washington is the murderer with the heart of gold, only killing those who deserve it. Instantly forgettable dross from an actor worthy of much more, it even has the balls to make continuous references to Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea.

Noah: In fairness, my opinion on this film counts for absolutely zilch as I haven’t seen all of it.  But having tried to watch it on three separate occasions, and being completely unable to finish it every time, it deserves special mention here. It was only one of two times I walked out of a film in 2014 - the other also being my second attempt at seeing Noah.  Enough of the dumb talking rock people already. 

 

Harry Wilding

Devil’s Knot: There is no doubt about the potential for this true story of the West Memphis three to become a gripping dramatised film. Although easy enough to say in hindsight, the three Paradise Lost, as well as West of Memphis, documentaries were so extensive in the coverage perhaps a dramatisation – especially so soon – was not needed at all. And if so, it needed a more Zodiac-like approach to it, due to the years it spanned; to just concentrate on the original trial and to focus on one of the mothers was a mistake, thus making the whole film so.

Hercules: In many ways, to be fair, this was all good fun. However, I have to be logical about this - the film was ridiculous and formulaic and ridiculous, despite the great British acting talent (John Hurt, Ian McShane, Rufus Sewell, Joseph Fiennes, Peter Mullen) that tried to help prop The Rock’s Hercules up.

 

The Inbetweeners 2: A sequel that has made me question my sense of humour and sanity in previously liking The Inbetweeners telly series and first film. Was the humour always this crude and without substance? I hope not. 

Noah: If this biblical epic had been more exciting, less corny, and contained a little bit of humour, I probably could have ignored the religious sentiments and the fact that incest was never suitably addressed. But it was not to be. It certainly feels like an Aronofsky film, even including the Clint Mansell score, but this is his version of a big special effects blockbuster. It was certainly grittier than most, but also - in terms of entertainment - down there with the average ones.

Nymphomaniac Volume One and Two: A two part film that feels as if it is trying to shock for the sake of it. I appreciate a lot of Lars on Trier’s previous work and his attempts at being outside the box, but here the story is so pedestrian and the dialogue so bland. Pretention in a film is not necessarily a bad thing, but when it is also boring without any likable – or, seemingly realistic – characters, it just does not work. Truly awful, made all the worse by the length.