LeftLion's Worst Films of 2015

American psycho

Ashley Carter

American Sniper: The first of two duds from charisma-vacuums Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller, American Sniper was morally bankrupt, war mongering, stars-and-stripes dogshite from start to finish. Laced with the despicable overly patriotic nonsense and heavy-handed morality that makes you hope the terrorists win in the end. 

The Interview: As offensive as this was to Kim Jong Un, it was equally, if not more offensive to anyone who happens to have ears and eyes. I don’t understand James Franco’s popularity, other than as a decent enough actor. As a comedic performer he is terrible, no more so than with his hammy buffoonery as Dave Skylark, the celebrity tabloid show presenter tasked with assassinating the North Korean dictator. It’s not depressing that a film nearly caused a major national incident, it’s depressing that this film nearly caused a major national incident.  

Mortdecai: Beautiful women think that they’re funny because dumb men will pretend to laugh at their jokes in an attempt to sleep with them. It leads them to have the ill-deserved and unearned confidence of Andrew Dice Clay in 1989 during social situations. Mortdecai takes that concept and compresses it into two painfully embarrassing hours of the most ill-judged film of the year. It takes a film full of people (Johnny Depp, Gwyneth Paltrow and Ewan McGregor) that have no right to be funny – but have clearly been told by yes-men that they’re nailing it - and attempts to make a comedy out of wafer thin material. I’ve seen worse films in 2015, but no worse performances than this one from Depp.

Last Knights: I usually eat this shit up with a spoon. I’ve seen Braveheart, Troy, King Arthur, Gladiator, The 13^th Warrior, The Last Samurai, Centurion, The Last Legion, The Patriot and Kingdom of Heaven at least twenty times each, and they’re all varying shades of shite. But this Clive Owen and Morgan Freeman vehicle was another level. Allegedly a remake of Hiroshi Inagaki’s 47 Ronin (which was previously butchered by Keanu Reeves in 2013), it offered absolutely nothing in entertainment value, even ironically.  

Jurassic World: Lazily trading in the nostalgia of trusting fans of the original Jurassic Park films, this lazy afterbirth slithered out and maybe ruined the entire franchise. I wasn’t expecting pure cinema, but I also wasn’t expecting to have the piss taken out of me with a script that made my asshole pucker. Shameless product placement, crummy Chris Pratt, zero tension and an instantly forgettable, generic plot showed just how little respect Hollywood now has for its family audiences. 

The unfunny 6 

Entourage: I only have myself to blame for this shit, having suffered through the almost-as-bad TV series for EIGHT seasons.  Out of the 25,841 films released in 2015 that were branded as sexist, this is probably the one that even the most ardent chauvinist couldn’t argue with. The story of four uninteresting creeps and their attempts to achieve something woefully unimportant. It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t clever and it wasn’t interesting – but it was crowbarred full of shite celebrity cameos. 

The Ridiculous 6: Even the worst comedies I’ve seen (including the others on this list) make me laugh at least once, even if just by accident. Adam Sandler’s The Ridiculous 6, however, triggered the stoic silence of a Beefeater guard for its entire running time. The only real emotion I felt was embarrassment. Embarrassment for Sandler, for the supporting actors, for the Netflix executives that green-lit his four-picture deal, for the people that signed up for an account hoping to see another comedy homerun, and for pretty much anyone involved, no matter how tenuously, with this absolute miscarriage of a comedy. Statistically you are more likely to get murdered in your own home than at the cinema, so at least there’s one upside of Sandler’s cack being exclusive to Netflix.

The Cobbler: The only thing more impressive than making one of the worst films of the year is making two of them. I have no idea why this movie exists, nor why people keep giving Sandler money to make more films; in any other profession he would have been fired and blacklisted years ago. But his lowest-common-denominator style of comedy has got at least another three films to go, due to his deal with Netflix. Thanks, dicks. 

The Martian: Maybe in unfair company on this list, but it makes my worst ten nonetheless. Great visuals are brilliant if they’re supporting a good script. If you’re praying that Matt Damon’s stranded astronaut ends up a dusty skeleton on Mars, the best CGI in the world isn’t going to keep you hooked through his enraging chipper attitude. Listening to disco music, cracking wise with the stattos back on earth and growing his own spuds just set a far too wistful tone that betrayed the already inevitable outcome, losing any semblance of risk or tension in the process. Another painfully uninspired, predictable, over-long drama-by-numbers from the once good Ridley Scott.  

Burnt: If one film wasn’t enough to display their Israel/Palestine-like chemistry, the Cooper/Miller dream team reunited to tell the ball-achingly dull story of a douchebag chef on his comeback trail. It’s the only film I’ve ever seen that compelled me to boo at the end credits. Comfortably the worst film, if not worst overall experience, I had all year. 

The Age of ugh

Harry Wilding 

American Sniper: Seth Rogen made a great point about this morally repugnant film, observing that it reminded him of "the movie that’s showing in the third act of Inglourious Basterds,” referencing the Nazi propaganda film that glorifies a German sniper in Tarentino’s movie. This was a terribly ill judged film about a very important subject, made all the worse for its unoriginality, simplification, over-sentimentality and one sided viewpoint.  

The Age of Adaline: The film’s Benjamin Button-esque story and narration from Hugh Ross (the guy who also did so in The Assassination of Jesse James...) fooled me into watching this one. It was ultimately an overly-soppy romantic film with an original concept that it squandered. Adaline’s love interest (played by the, admittedly, hunky Michiel Huisman) was actually uncomfortably obsessive too; like, really fucking creepy, never taking “no” for a final answer; but I suppose it was meant to be super romantic because she eventually gave in.

Knock Knock: The main problem with this Eli Roth film, was its seemingly confusing messages. Keanu Reeves’ performance was a close second, but perhaps that was a given. But anyway, two hot young woman turn up at Reeves' house, soaking wet, while his wife and kids are away and seduce, seduce, and seduce again, until...well, is the film saying men are bad for giving into these urges or that society is bad for expecting them not to? Who knows. This was a stupid movie anyway, so it probably isn’t worth trying to work it out.

Jurassic World: I may not have such a deep seated, and frankly quite scary, hatred of this film as Ashley Carter, but it certainly deserves its place in this list. For more details, see Ashley Carter’s short review above or the longer tirade from earlier in the year.

Mortdecai: Spectacularly unfunny. Kind of fascinating, though, to see so much effort put into a screenplay that must have stunk at every stage of its development. If this was the first comedy ever made, I suppose it would have been funny but the lack of originality was startling and one seriously wonders if the cast and crew only made this in exchange for securing the release of their loved ones, being held at gunpoint by the producers.

 

Aloha: Bradley, Bradley, Bradley. You’ve been a busy boy this year, but you should have probably just taken some time off. Cameron Crowe’s story about...erm...something that happens in Hawaii (thus the clever title). Bradley is in love with an old girlfriend (Rachel McAdams) but kinda falls for a young quarter Chinese/ quarter Hawaiian/ half Swedish woman (Emma Stone) ( Yes. Emma Stone), neither of which he has an ounce of chemistry with  and, I don’t know...the admittedly good but shouldn’t have been involved, Bill Murray turns up every now and then...Alec Baldwin does so too, usually shouting angrily...something about satellites...and weapons...and Hawaiian natives...It was shit anyway.

Absolutely Anything: Simon Pegg has a rather awful history of starring in bad comedy films, unless he writes the thing. It is a shame that this became part of that ever growing list, because Terry Jones directed it. A good idea, too, in which a group of Monty Python voiced aliens give Pegg the power to do absolutely anything, just by saying it - with, mostly, unhilarious consequences, unrealistically contrived situations, and some ridiculous conclusions about having such a power.

Big Game: I know what you’re thinking: what did I expect? Some kind of enjoyment, that’s what. I knew that I was not stepping into one the best films of the year, but more excitement and certainly a little bit of political satire would not have gone amiss with a story about a US President (Samuel. L) who, stranded in the Finnish woods, only has a young boy with a bow and arrow to get him back to safety. Imagine what Armando Iannucci could do with this idea. In fact, I should get a petition started now...

The Second Best Marigold Hotel: With all the respected English actors on show here, I feel a bit guilty for its place in this list. But, alas, this was the most boring film of the year. Just for the record, I quite enjoyed the first one. However, in this sequel, all the conflicts seemed so forced – so obvious, and seemingly pointless with no genuine tension to its conclusions. I genuinely did not give a crap about another hotel or if Nighy and Dench got it on or not - or, more specically, why it had to take so bloody long. I came out of the cinema screen, feeling older than the cast; that is how long it felt like I'd been in there. 

A Little Chaos: Kate Winslet's excellent, subtle performance was lost among, well...(fuck it, I’m going for it) a lot of chaos. Directed by Alan Rickman, it tells the story of two landscape artists at King Louis XIV's Versailles palace who become romantically...zzzz.

If you must, we are sure you can catch most of these films online or on DVD.