Every so often a movie comes along that defies being reviewed. Take Decameron or Ken Russell's The Devils, so shocking critics stormed from the theatre frothing at the mouth. The Human Centipede trilogy is in that same exclusive vein. Many critics howl for the director's blood. But some say 'wait, this is art house satire'. A few even compare it to Duchamp, who famously installed a urinal in an art gallery, and state it's ahead of its time.
So why the controversy? In this final film you can expect castration, masturbation, violence, scat, rape and more rape. And that's before we've got to the mass suturing of mouths to anuses. Early on a jar turns up containing African lady parts that characters munch on like dried dates. You get where this is going?
In the George H.W. Bush Prison, the prison warden from hell rules supreme. Psychotic, unhinged, paranoid, he takes sadism to a whole new level. But even water boarding prisoners with boiling water fails to satiate his appetite. At the suggestion of his weird little accountant Dwight, he comes up with a novel system for prison reform. All 500 prisoners are to be stitched into a human centipede with one shared gastric system. Ew!
Central to the movie is Dieter Laser's performance as Bill Boss, the warden. He's rarely off screen, working hard in his role. All that non-stop screaming, posturing, gesticulating, arm-swinging, tongue-rolling must be exhausting. And the eyes! Huge madly staring eyes, burning off the screen into your nightmares.
Worst extras job ever?
Eric Roberts, the solitary Hollywood star, has a cameo as the state governor. What was he thinking! If his career is in that much trouble, surely a stint on Big Brother would have made an easier comeback.
Interestingly, there's only one female actor. Bree Olson, model and porn star, plays Daisy the luckless secretary. Daisy suffers abuse, rape and injury, before coming to a sticky end, by which we mean the hairy backside of some unwashed lifer. Was the director intending to provoke feminists?
Ah, the director! Tom Six catapulted to fame on his Centipede movies. It's as if he tried to be as shocking as possible, purely to build his career. This time he writes himself into the script. Called to the prison as a consultant, Tom is practically drooling to see his ideas fulfilled. With a rare laugh, he finds he hasn't the stomach for real human centipedes. Indeed, the twinkle in Tom's eye as he self-parodies brings some welcome relief.
So how to sum up a movie that defies reviewing by its sheer depravity? Does the reviewer try to get in on the act and say something like 'this is the kind of movie David Cronenberg would make-if' he'd had a lobotomy?' Should the reviewer fall back on a tirade of moral outrage? Maybe ring up the press office and call in a sickie. Well, he might be, after seeing this.
The Human Centipede 3 is like Carry on At Your Convenience stripped of any shred of humanity. The gore is not particularly realistic, thankfully, because we're talking human excrement as much as blood and fried testicles. For all the scenery-chewing, the performances have neither pathos or humour. For this reason its hard to give a shit (ha ha) about anyone's fate. Any shock value is empty, because by the final reels, nothing really has been said. If there's a subtext lurking about scatological fetish, it never surfaces. Sure, the The Human Centipede is an unforgettable experience. But so is stuffing your head down a toilet.
The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence) has its UK Premiere at Broadway Cinema on Saturday 4 July 2015 at 9pm. Dieter Laser and Tom Six will be in attendance for a Q&A. The film will then be released on Blu-Ray, DVD and VOD on Monday 13 July 2015.
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