What Notts: Mad, Bad Nottingham News

illustration: Rikki Marr

DOGGY STYLE
In an excuse to rival ye olde and faithful “The dog ate my homework”, some dodgy bogger told Nottingham Magistrates’ Court that the animal porn found on his computer was the result of an innocent search for Tom and Jerry videos for his kids. Eh?! What a load of old tosh. You don’t have to be an SEO specialist to raise your eyebrow here. Pull the other one, sonny Jim, and stop perving at our furry friends while you’re at it.

SEX AND THE CITEH
Far from the traditional method of getting absolutely rat-arsed, dribbling a proposition to a sexy someone, falling into a cab and napping half way through the main event, students in Notts have turned to an online sex app. Inventively named ShagAtUni.com. According to the data collected, students in Nottingham are the randiest boggers in the country, with over 1,400 hitting the site each day. Haven’t you lot got books to read or summat?

CRASH BANG WALLOP
In just a couple of months, a cyclist and a car crashed, causing a tram to derail, then an ASDA lorry got overturned with all its liquor content spilling out everywhere, and another one dropped sodium solution all over Derby Road. Is there a giant toddler running around or summat? And if so, can someone tell him to be a little more careful, please? Also, if anyone managed to nab any tinnies from the lorry, you know who to call.

YOU WON’T BELIEB IT
Some chick from Notts has let the side down and changed her last name to Bieber because she totally loves the little bell end. In the hope that she’ll meet her number one, she’s gone public with the name change… and the fact that she talks to her cardboard cutout of him. Sorry to be the ones to break it to you love, but it sounds like one step away from the man, and a giant leap towards a straight jacket.

YARR, CLIFF AHEAD!
An organisation known as Nottingham Pirates Fight Back decided to set up a camp firstly on Station Street, then on a public kids’ park on Cliff Road. They reckon the City Council should open up abandoned buildings and give homeless people a more permanent residence, but the Council have come back and said there are already systems in place for people to use and kicked them off the land. At least the boggers have drawn some attention to the homelessness issue, if nowt else.

THIS IS A PAR
Some rapscallions have ruined Notts Golf Club by ragging their motorbikes all over the green. You should see the bleeding state of it. Mud and track lines everywhere. It’s gonna cost thousands to repair, let alone the amount of putting prowess needed to tackle those nine-inch-wide ditches. The manager of the course says it’d taken years to get it to its former dapper state. Them little-shit vandals need to take that audacity of theirs and shove it up their arse.

IMPRISONERS PRISONED
A disgraceful couple in Aspley and one of their scumbag mates have been sent down for enslaving a vulnerable woman with learning difficulties. She was taken into the couple’s home in August 2014 by someone she met online, and was beaten and soaked in cold water if she didn’t do as she was told, resulting in scarring, a broken wrist and broken ribs. It’s enough to make you sick – that and the fact her abusers will be allowed to walk free in a handful of years.

JUST THE TICKET
Snivelly little skivers and their classmates got the chance to go to an exclusive Professor Green gig if they got their shit together and showed up to school. Eight Nottingham secondary schools took part and saw an improvement in attendance of 5,727 school days in one term. Get In:volved to Get to the Gig – we’re not sure that colon is kosher either – was a success and proved school’s cool. Here’s hoping attendance doesn’t drop off again now that preventing your parents getting fined or banged up is the only incentive left.