illustration: Rikki Marr. Click to enlarge
NAME WRITTEN ALL OVER IT
We’ve seen the transportation of Nottingham celebrate all kindsa big names, and with the new(ish) trams snaking their way through Clifton and Beeston, it’s only right that we adorn them with more proper legends of the citeh. Double Olympic gold-medalist and probable fish Rebecca Adlington, and awesome Everest mountaineer Doug Scott, are the latest to get plastered along the trolleybus’ sides. Well in duckies.
PROPER GRIMEH
Bru-C. Youthoracle. Snowy. Proper Notts grime heroes. But hold onto the flat caps, boyos, there’s a new kid in town and he comes in the shape of an eleven-year-old nipper. Basford-born breddah, Traemondo, has been spittin’ bars about his battle with colitis, and he does it with a Notts accent to boot. Grime pro Dizzee Rascal is a fan, and posted the Oi video on Insta to his 241k followers. My man’s goin’ places.
NOT SO LITTLE LAMB
Mary’s mate, eat yer heart out – there’s a big boy in town. A 19lb lamb was born on Simon Rouse’s farm to a proper startled ewe who assumed she would be birthing the standard 8lb jobby. The babber even managed to break the farmer’s finger on the way out. Mr Rouse, the owner of the farm said of the newborn, “It could be a cow – it’s hard to tell at the moment”.
PIANOMAN
The Big Smoke is a proper hectic place. Full of southerners who don’t like making casual conversation on their public transport, and are offended by our terms of endearment. But one mystery Notts chap brought the joy of NG to St Pancras Station by playing his heart out on the piano, providing entertainment for weary travellers. The search is on for this charitable pianist – so if you’re reading this, Pianoman, there’s an old Joanna outside the LL offices. Just saying.
SHREDDED PORK
The local feds are in trouble, and all for the sake of a few burritos. A couple of Nottinghamshire Police officers were proper marvin’, and chose to park their great, galumphing riot van in a blue badge zone to avoid a three-minute walk from the station to grab a Mexican treat. You lot have been up in arms about it, and rightly so. It ain’t one rule for us and another for the folk in charge in this city, eh Notts?
MILKIN’ IT
An enterprising young mum has set up a purpose-built breastfeeding cafe, designed to accommodate mums and their little ‘uns at feeding time. The Milk Lounge in Arnold, set up by Charlotte Purdie, offers private booths, expressing stations and breast-milk friendly cookies. For some bizarre reason, some of you have hopped off the sane-wagon and sent the poor woman death threats for her initiative. You miserable bastards: get a life, jog on, and leave our gal alone.
STICKY FINGERS
Postman Pat’s had his fingers in all the pies. And by all the pies, we mean everybody else’s pies. And he made a quick buck off ‘em too. Mr Alan Adkin was found with £4,000 of dosh under his mattress as a result of flogging other people’s wares that he’d snaffled while on his delivery route. Everything from clothing to toiletries, and even a USB desktop aquarium were on his nick list. First Class arsehole.
SUPER-SIZED MOANS
You lot must be waking up to sunshine and lollipops every morning if the only thing you’ve gorra be mardy about is the lack of Monopoly stickers attached to your Big Mac meals. You’ve proper gone off on one cos some Nottingham branches of McDonald’s have run out of the sticky squares on the fat portion meals with little to no chance of winning owt other than a free apple pie that’s going to melt your face off. C’mon, Notts. Screw yer heads on.
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