Quiz: Are you Arthur Seaton?

Sunday 25 April 2010
reading time: min, words

Reckon you're summat? Tek this quiz and find out for yoursen'...


What was the last thing you were sick over?

a) An elderly couple
b) The back of your Dad's head on the way to Skeggy
c) Geisha shutting down

What was the last thing that knocked you on your back on a Saturday night?
a) A lorry in Derby
b) A hen party, scattering from a fight outside a kebab shop
c) The bill for six sambucas in the Lace Market

Which of these women are you most likely to have had an affair with?
a) Two married women who also happen to be sisters
b) A Nana in a mini-skirt at Oceana
c) A robot on a text messaging service that advertises on Channel Five after midnight

Where was the last place you had sex outside of the bedroom?
a) Strelley Woods
b) A wank in the bushes at the Racecourse on dogging night
c) A caravan in Ingoldmells

Which of these did you last out-drink?
a) A gobby sailor who thought he was summat
b) That drippy bint in HR at the last work do
c) Your four-year-old nephew, last Christmas

You find out that your girlfriend is pregnant, and you're not ready to settle down. You deal with it by...
a) Taking her to a sucky old mentalist woman who sticks her in a tin bath and forces     gin down her neck, while you nob her sister
b) Making an arse of yourself on telly by shouting "I want DNA test, Trisharr!"
c) Baalin' your eyes out like a big mardy-arsed yitneh

How many drinks does it take to make you collapse?
a) Eleven pints of bitter and seven small gins
b) Ten Bacardi Breezers and six Aftershocks 
c) One can of Top Deck

There is no point saving your wages because:
a) The Yanks might do something daft, like dropping an H-Bomb on Moscow
b) The Yanks might do something daft, like giving mortgages to greedy bastards with fuck-all credit
c) Daddy can always top up my trust fund

How old were you when you started work?
a) 15
b) What's work?
c) 31, after completing your second PhD

When you’ve finished work, how long does it take to clean the dirt off your hands?
a) Half an hour
b) A quick rinse under the tap, and a wipe on your suit trousers
c) What’s dirt?
You find a dead mouse at work. Do you:
a) Put it under a female colleague's chair
b) Ring up IT for a replacement
c) Bury it in the back garden with a crucifix made of sucker sticks

What you're after is:
a) A good time
b) A reasonably satisfying career
c) A decent job in your Dad's firm after you graduate   

Mostly A’s
Congratulations. Your great-grandfather is Ernest Burton and the bastards will never grind you down.

Mostly B’s
You may look the part, but it’s all propaganda. The only reason you’ve got soiled knickers in your pocket is because you bought them off eBay.

Mostly C’s
Whatever people say you are, that's what you're not. As long as they say anything other than; "Oh, he's a right ponce, him."

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