Last month saw Queer the Shelves, a two-day celebration of LGBTQ+ books and writers, take place at Waterstones in the city centre. Organised by local editing and publishing company, Global Wordsmiths, and funded by Arts Council England, the event saw over twenty international LGBTQ+ writers taking part in Q&A panels, readings and mingling with readers at an after party held at Nottingham’s oldest – and only – LGBTQ+ pub, the New Foresters. Some writers were well known, others on their first published work, with every genre covered. The keynote speaker was comedian and author Rosie Wilby, known for her stand up, podcast, and now two books on the theme of relationships. We caught up with her just as the busy weekend drew to a close...
You’ve recently spent the weekend as a keynote speaker at Queer the Shelves, a festival of LGBTQ+ books and writing hosted at Waterstones here in Notts. How did you find it?
I loved being a keynote speaker at this event. There’s something really special about being involved in a LGBTQ+ writing festival: When I do my comedy shows, around the world, LGBTQ+ audiences feel like family, like you’ve found your tribe – they understand your experiences and the place that you’re coming from. Now I’ve written two books, its fun to be involved in a writing event: people are really interested and excited about engaging with the words, and the books. It’s exciting for me because, when I do comedy shows, there’s something very transient about it, even when it’s being recorded, it’s special to be in the room at that moment, whereas a book is a tangible thing that people can take away, which is your voice, your thoughts your ideas. That’s really exciting.
Did you get chance to see anything of Nottingham outside of Waterstones? Have you visited before?
Not this time, but I’ve visited many times in the past, performing gigs, including a lovely little book launch at Five Leave Bookshop for my first book Is Monogamy Dead? which was sold out. There used to be a touring lesbian comedy night called ‘Lesbilicious’ and I came to Nottingham with that too. Don’t ask me which pub it was at – it was upstairs at a pub and it was really fun, but I can’t remember the name of the place!
How are you finding coming out of two years of staying home and digital interactions, to be in a roomful of people again?
Really exciting! I’ve actually done quite a lot of live events already, it’s getting familiar to me again because I am recording my live podcast – The Breakup Monologues – all around the UK. We’ve just done a big live show in Brighton, in the Spiegel Tent at the Fringe, with guests including award winning comedian Zoe Lyons, and we’ve released that episode as a bit of a Pride special. We had a pretty big crowd and it’s exciting to see audiences again.
Although, some good has come out of the Zoom era, such as when my book came out, though it was frustrating not to do live events immediately, I did really enjoy doing online events with wonderful queer bookshops in Toronto, Melbourne and Auckland, in weird early mornings and late evenings. I think it’s opened up a lot of opportunities for connecting and engaging with audiences around the world that I wouldn’t usually reach.
As part of the festival, you read from your new book, The Breakup Monologues: tell us a bit more about it, and why readers should buy it.
It’s published internationally by Bloomsbury and stems from the podcast of the same name, but kind of takes it on a stage. As well as sharing a few of my favourite break up stories from comedians and performer friends of mine, it also tells my story of finally trying to stay in a relationship, having learnt from my multiple breakups! It’s all about the psychology and science of love and attraction that I’ve learnt touring a trilogy of shows that delve into these areas. It often sees me taking part in real life science experiments: at Queer the Shelves, I read from the part that sees me take part in a sex lab and have my arousal measured while looking at clips of erotica! Read more about that in the book!
You’ve even been called the Queen of Breakups, but not because you’ve had a lot of them but because you write and talk about them a lot. Why do you think you you’re so fascinated by breakups?
It was actually Radio 4 that gave me the title, when I appeared on Saturday Live, which was wonderful to be part of. I say in the prologue of the book that I’m fascinated by breakups because they facilitate transformation and reinvention. I think, as queer people, we are interested in these areas, even if we’re not trans, because we’ve all had to go through some evolution when we come out, and define ourselves in a way that is other to the way people have seen us – our families, the heteronormative community. I think there’s something essentially queer about breakups in that sense. I think queer people are very good at breakups – the lesbian community has pioneered conscious uncoupling and ethical, compassionate breakups because, in a smaller community, you do have to try to stay friends: you’ll probably end up bumping into each other. Especially in the older lesbian crowd, before there were as many safe public social spaces and you met in each other’s houses in a small social group. I think lesbians, in particular, have developed a sophisticated communication and language around breaking up.
I say in the prologue of the book that I’m fascinated by breakups because they facilitate transformation and reinvention. I think, as queer people, we are interested in these areas, even if we’re not trans, because we’ve all had to go through some evolution when we come out
Do you find people ask you for relationship advice?
Yes! And if they have a serious situation, I tell them to seek the guidance of a professional. However, if it’s a more fun enquiry, I have done spoof couple counselling as Doctor Love, as she is known – the character I embody for my trilogy of shows about love, which began with a spoofy sex ed lesson called The Science of Sex, the kind of lesson we all wish we’d had at school, which incorporated queer relationships, which weren’t taught at all in my day. So I do like to give spoof love advice and a lot of the couples who came to see Doctor Love have said it was actually a great relationship tonic, so it worked rather well!
You’re very active in thanking readers for positive reviews of your books. Why is it important for readers to take the time to review books they’ve enjoyed? And how do you deal with bad reviews, if you get them?
Until I released my second book, there are a number of things I’d not understood about publishing. Amazon – whatever we think of it – is very powerful and your ranking is very important in terms of the visibility of your book. That book is, for me, something I’ve spent years writing, and crafting, and structuring, and making it funny and accessible, putting real science and psychology in it to help people come to terms with their breakups and have better, more ethical breakups (and I’ve had people come to me and say that it has done this, and they’ve been able to broker better friendships with ex-partners due to the book facilitating conversations – that’s the best review!). Reviews are so important for your sales ranking and visibility and determine if I get paid and can keep my dog and cat in pet food!
I love positive feedback, but if someone has constructive criticism, that’s fine too, there are sometimes interesting things you can take on board. I’ve not had many bad reviews for my books, but comedy is so subjective that I’ve had bad reviews for that, it can be hit and miss depending on when they catch a gig and what the audience is like. You just have to try to be resilient and move on – I guess that’s the theme of my book!
You have your regular podcast, also titled The Breakup Monologues, which features live recordings in a chat show format, with guests. Will you be continuing to tour with that, and what’s next for you?
Yes, the podcast is me and two or three guests talking about relationships and sex, often recorded live around the country. We share breakup stories, and some of the science and psychology and hopefully help people deal with their own breakups. I’ll be touring the live podcast to festivals throughout the summer and I would love, love, love to see people there in person, but – if not – please check out the book or podcast!
Rosie Wilby is an award-winning comedian, author and podcaster who has appeared many times on BBC Radio 4 programmes including Woman's Hour, Saturday Live and Four Thought. Her first book Is Monogamy Dead? was longlisted for the Polari First Book Prize and followed a trilogy of solo shows investigating the psychology of love and relationships. Her new book The Breakup Monologues is based on her acclaimed podcast of the same name and is published globally by Bloomsbury.
She is on Twitter @rosiewilby and Instagram @breakupmonologues
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