illustration: Christopher Paul Bradshaw
Greetings, Nottinghamians. During this time of the year, we have yet again found ourselves bombarded with schmaltzy lists of ‘must-have gifts’, TV adverts with snowmen and God-knows-what coming to life. Is this really what Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Thanksgiving, or Winter Solstice, is about?
photo: David Banner
Get back to nature
Yeah, nature. The brisk weather is a great chance to do something outdoorsy, like hiking or ice skating. Ice skating is mostly an indoor sport, but if you live in Nottingham, you’ve got the ice rink outside the Council House throughout December for the Ultimate Winter Experience™. It’s outdoors and can be done while eating fast food. Win win. Plus, is there anything more Christmassy than watching blokes trying to impress their girlfriends, and children falling over on ice? No. No, there isn’t.
But if you’re more Bambi than Torvill or Dean, get your woollies out and go down Wollo Park. You can feed the ducks, and marvel at the deers rutting, all the while pretending that you’re taking an afternoon
stroll around your manor to escape your in-laws,
the Lord and Lady Poopajuke.
photo: Emma Richardson
Join a commune
Ice skating, like Christmas presents, do not pay for themselves. Ask yourself, is all the commercialisation making you feel like a goose, post foie gras? Has having to work on Christmas Eve left you mumbling about the exploitation of the workforce? If you answered yes to either of the above, then a commune is the perfect place to spend the festive season – hand-in-hand with your fellow man.
Not everyone’s bag, granted, but you should at least consider on going on a retreat. See Nottingham’s own Akshobya Kadampa Buddhist Centre, among other places. Getting the city out of your lungs and focussing your mind on something other than your debts and annoying boss could do you some good. At the very least, it will convince your friends that you are more interesting than you actually are.
photo: Josh Carson
Have a mental breakdown
The holidays can be a stressful time, so if none of the above suggestions are floating your boat, then why not have yourself a mental breakdown? If you have the imagination, you could create your own alter ego. If it was good enough for Edward Norton, then it is good enough for you. The Chuck Palahniuk novel, Fight Club, would have also made a brilliant Christmas gift. You could even buy yourself a copy from one of the amazing independent bookshops we have in Nottingham.
On instant reflection, I am fully aware that encouraging you to buy things is contradicting the whole anti-material/back-to-nature stance. If you are eagle-eyed and spotted that, the breakdown may not be for you.
Christ, what can I say? However you choose to spend your time and pennies have a good 'un. Say your prayers, take your vitamins and, above all else, don't follow advice from online articles.
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