Tonight I ate theatre. It tasted of mushy peas and beetroot.
Imagine the scene. 200 pairs of eyes gaze expectantly at cookers, pots, pans, knives and bowls. 5 actors wearing aprons walk on. Steam rises from a pot over a gas fire. An actor picks up a wooden spoon and strikes a bottle of water. He adds more water. He strikes again and reaches the right musical note. The other actors join in. They start humming. One makes a saxophone out of a cucumber. The other curves an instrument out of a parsnip. And so the feast gets underway. The audience hasn't had dinner - they're waiting for the actors in tonight's performance to cook it for them.
Patatboem, currently at the Riverside studios in London until the 19th June, is described as a `kitchen concert' or theatre of the senses. Musicians play lively jazz riffs reflecting the tension and energy of chefs. Think of Gordon Ramsey with a trumpet. That's how loud and chaotic the music is. And the cooking is no less busy. The chefs prance around the stage whisk in one hand and musical instrument in the other. Each action in the kitchen is exaggerated (bread is cut with a saw) to accompany the music and all is perfectly choreographed. For the culinary-challenged of us it is an impressive sight. At the end of the performance the audience are served with a main course and dessert. I left the performance thoroughly entertained and with a full stomach.
A sign as you enter the theatre warns the audience that food may have come into contact sesame seeds and to be careful if you're allergic. I didn't even know you could be allergic to a sesame seed. I would add an extra warning. If you are in any way allergic to mint you should also take heed - this production is mint-filled. There's mint in drinks, mint with the peas, probably mint in the duck dish. Also one of the musicians has a fine time madly chopping mint with a cleaver so that it flies around the stage and into the audience. Thankfully the ice-cream dessert was distinctly lacking in the green leafy stuff. 
Recipe for avocado ice cream:
Flesh of 1 ripe avocado
Juice of 1 lemon
2 tablespoons of castor sugar
4 scoops of vanilla ice cream
Mash the avocado flesh and mix in the sugar and lemon juice. Add the vanilla ice cream, stir to an even consistency and put the mixture in the freezer. Result? Gooey green mush that tastes very nice.
Forget the mad kitchen antics of TV's Hells Kitchen. This is the real thing.
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