Stick To The Day Job

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Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Ellison
The gruesome star of Brookside who's idol is apparently, and quite chillingly, Jordan, recently `graced' the charts with a cover of Baby I Don't Care. For those of us who laughed her off as a one hit wonder, the shocking news that she is to star in the Hollywood version of Phantom of the Opera, was enough to induce a coronary. Quite how the yanks will decipher her scouse accent is a mystery.

The latino lady that everyone loves to hate was actually an actress before singing. After her breakthrough (and actually pretty good) performance in the stylish thriller Out of Sight, she established herself as a successful singer. However, as her success grew, so did her ego and many producers chose to avoid her like the plague. J-Lo soon found her way back into films with the formulaic rom-coms The Wedding Planner and Maid In Manhattan alongside solid acting in dark thrillers The Cell and Enough. She also won Worst Actress at this year's 'Razzies' for Gigli. However, her next film An Unfinished Life is from acclaimed director Lasse Hallstrom and co-stars Robert Redford. She's also been getting high praise for her work, hinting at a dark horse choice for next years golden statues. All this and she's still just Jenny From The Block...


Bruce Willis
Anyone remember Under The Boardwalk? he sardonic action star made the ill-advised idea to start singing, and luckily he was so useless that not many people know he even bothered. Thank god.


Eminem

The Detroit rapper with a reputation seemed like the least likely crossover into the film industry. He cameoed in The Wash and Da Hip Hop Witch (seriously) but it wasn't until he was approached by LA Confidential director Curtis Hanson that he turned leading man. 8 Mile was Rocky-esque tale of a wannabe rapper fighting against adversity. Eminem's performance was ridiculously over-praised with highbrow critics everywhere claiming the film to have a Shakespearean quality and Eminem to be Brando-like (!). In reality, Mr. Mathers acquitted himself just fine, although all he was doing was playing an extended version of himself. Despite the film's success, Eminem claims to never want to act again, not being a massive fan of he experience. Shame... he could have made a great Macbeth.

 
Madonna
Probably the most notorious singer-actor of the bunch, Madge's film career has been mercilessly slated from the get-go. Quite why, after being one of the most successful artists of all time, she chose to try her luck in movies is a mystery. The 80s allowed her to show off, and sing, in Desperately Seeking Susan and Who's That Girl and bring then-husband Sean Penn down to her level in the bomb Shanghai Surprise. In the 90s she starred with Warren Beatty in the comic-book flop Dick Tracy and the shockumentary In Bed With Madonna. She also tried to be Sharon Stone in the howlingly awful Body Of Evidence and finally gained a modicum of respect (and an Oscar) for Evita. But nothing had prepared us for the depths she has plummeted since then. We saw her star with Rupert Everett in the profoundly stupid The Next Best Thing and then the razzy-sweeping Swept Away, a comic tale of violence and rape directed by her husband Guy Ritchie, who's movie career is now as embarrassing as hers. Give it up. Now!

Jack White
The White Stripes front-man starred and sung in the acclaimed Civil War epic Cold Mountain, alongside then girlfriend Renee Zellweger. He wasn't too bad although he did apparently dump Zellweger after she started getting fat for Bridget Jones 2. Nice.

Justin Timberlake
We'll be `lucky' enough to see him star as a reporter alongside, um, Coyote Ugly's Piper Perabo in Edison next year. If its possible to wait that long.
 
Snoop Dogg
Currently pimping it up in Starsky and Hutch, the sleazy rapper has been cameoing for a while now. He was briefly in Training Day, Old School and was the main star of the awful `ghetto-horror' Bones. Plus he's also been the star of numerous low budget `Doggy-style' pornos.

Joe Pesci
Last seen, six years back, in Lethal Weapon 4, the Oscar-winning midget has recently been using the unlikely name of Vincent Laguardia Gambia to croon an album full of dodgy covers. Scorcese, save him.

Kate Winslet
The Titanic star's downward spiral into trash like The Life of David Gale was highlighted by her sickening `What If' from the animated version of A Christmas Carol. Thankfully, this seems to have got the singing bug out of her system.

Britney Spears
The increasingly rebellious songstress starred in the formulaic star-vehicle Crossroads, where she, predictably, got the chance to sing. She's been rumoured to be starring in the next Carry On film, as a nascar racer in another (?) and also alongside Bette Midler. Perhaps somebody needs to get her a new agent.

Colin Farrell 
Hollywood's favourite leprechaun has been gracing the tabloids now for the past year. Not content with starring in every other film made and sleeping around in LA, Farrell has insisted on using his `singing voice' to murder a rendition of The Clash's I Fought The Law for his Irish film Intermission. He has also claimed that, as an unknown Dublin actor, he was approached in the early 90's by Loius Walsh to be a member of Boyzone.

Minnie Driver
Star of Good Will Hunting and Circle of Friends was previously best known for turning up the opening of an envelope. But, in a desperate bid for success, she is pinning her hopes on a new career in music. She already has the same festival spot which launched The Darkness in the states. God help us.