The Comedian

I once had two vertebrae removed from my neck. Since that operation, I’ve never looked back.

No? Try this…

Like a lot of people, I sometimes sing in the shower. Trouble is, I’ve ruined three guitars and I keep getting shocks from the microphone wire…

Or this?

Love is when you put the other person’s interests before your own… while you plot your revenge.

I’ll definitely be doing this…

My wife asked me to be more adventurous. Like a pop star in bed… more like Sting, for example. I did a bit of reading up and found he’s made quite a reputation for himself. So, one night we started getting in the mood and I launched myself off the bed onto the floor, threw my arms and legs everywhere, kicking and screaming until my face went bright red. She said: “What on earth are you doing?’ I said: ‘I thought it’s what you wanted… tantrum sex.”

Yeah… I know, it’s the way I tell ‘em. But Jules, I hope you don’t mind those last two about me and you, but as you rightly said once: “It’s only ‘verbal cartoonery’ and not to be taken seriously.” It certainly doesn’t resemble us in real life. In fact, if it hadn’t been for you, I don’t really think I’d ever have dredged up the courage to be a comedian. Now look at me. I’m a laughing stock!

It’s tough work, though. Well, it was in the earlier days, years ago. Remember those good old, poor old days, Jules? We drove all over the country getting to gigs. Most of them were dire. But it was a laugh though, eh? I couldn’t have done it without you… well, I could if I’d passed me test. But now…

Look at this!

My own dressing room with my name on the door, no less! A bunch of fresh flowers on the dresser (in case I get peckish, I guess). Eric and Ernie once used this room. You can feel their presence. Either that, or there’s something wrong with the air-conditioning. Anyway, thinking of them makes me feel nervous. You know I always feel like throwing up before going on. It never changes, no matter how many gigs, televised or not. During all these years, you’ve been the only one who’s stopped me puking up, Jules. That’s real romance for you. Just make sure you’re not in the front row… you know… just in case.

Anyway, I’m about to go on stage now. As usual, you’ll see the ‘gigging me’ in the spotlight in a couple of minutes’ time... only, you know it’s all a front.

You once asked me what goes through my mind before I stand up in front of 10,000 people. So, while I’ve got these couple of moments to myself, I thought I’d write down what I’m thinking, before I dive from this platform called sanity into the pool of what, I hope, will be laughter.

Because, when all is said and done, laughter is all we ever have that is really worthwhile. And I’m so lucky that we’ve laughed together every day over the decades. Well, every day apart from, you know… the day you passed away. That was when my own laughter ended.

See you out there, Jules.

Martin Ison on Amazon