What Notts #1

Dirty Dental Deeds
Over 32 years, an estimated 22,000 patients have been treated by Desmond D’Mello, a dentist from Daybrook in Arnold. Turns out Dezza has been well dutteh for the duration, taking a lax approach to hygiene protocols by not changing his gloves and washing his equipment in the bogs, the lazy bleeder. He’s been barred from practising and now everyone who came into contact with him and his mangy mitts is being urged to have blood tests to see whether they’ve developed infections from the malpractice.

Gordon Scott Monkey Does One
He was the king of the swingers, the shoe shop VIP, but he’s gone into retirement. You may have spotted a pretender to his throne flapping about wildly in the window of the the relocated shop on Lister Gate, but he doesn’t even come close. We don’t care that other Gordon Scott shops in other cities had similar monkeys, ours was the best cos he hung out in Nottingham. Dry your eyes, though, he’s too good for the bin. If you want to visit the sixty-year-old simian, pop down to Brewhouse Yard Museum where he’s settled in quite nicely.

Leg Splints Get Pinched
A lad with cerebral palsy has had his leg splints robbed. For the second time. His mam reckons the jebs who did it were after the trainers attached to them more than anything else and probably chucked them afterwards, so keep an eye out. It's gonna take seven weeks for the poor fifteen-year-old to get new splints. C'mon BioCity, knock him some out on one of yer 3D printers.

NCN Basford Combusts
Now we’re not sure what’s going on at the moment, but educational institutes are going up like a youth in a Kappa shell suit who can’t light his fag properly. NCN Basford is the latest building to have caught fire. It wasn’t quite the inferno the UoN had on their hands in September, but there was still an impressive amount of smoke billowing out of the building. Let’s all be a bit more careful, shall we?

999, What’s Your Emergency?
We’re happy for people to explore their kinks, so long as no one gets hurt. This immediately rules out using 999 to get yourself revved up. Some bloke with his brain in his balls got banned from phoning the East Midlands Ambulance Service after calling them up to every ten minutes. He clocked up nearly 1,200 calls, costing us taxpayers almost £30,000. No mate. Get yourself a mucky mag and be off with you. 

Love Is An Open Pound Shop Door
The pound shop army is expanding and the latest among the troops is sat opposite Viccy Centre. The day its doors opened, a frenzy ensued with hoards of pumped up shoppers sacrificing limbs and internal organs to get to the Frozen gear in time for Christmas. Frugal fanatics clubbed together, creating a chain to pass stuff over heads and to the till. Although it was like a church meeting compared to Black Friday which, we can confirm, has marked the end of humanity altogether.

Tow On The Tram Line
Some silly sausage parked their Mini on double yellers outside Trent Uni and backed up three trams. None of the tram passengers were allowed to get off cos they weren’t at a stop so, as you can imagine, it got ugly. Crowds gathered, tram horns were blasted, and a sea of smart phones captured every moment. After about twenty minutes, onlookers fully lifted the car and moved it out the tram’s road. A woman returned from having a coffee to hoards of giggling students and a ticket off a CPO. Tomorrow’s another day, love.

Hip Hop Legend Breaks Up Scrap
Jurassic 5's Chali 2na returned to his favourite city to play a solo gig in Rock City basement last month. During the set, he called a halt to proceedings, ran to the back of the room to split up a fighting couple and chucked them out. When he returned to the stage he gave a speech about peace, love and unity. Good on you, sir.

Shottingham Strikes Again
A seven-year-old kid got a bust lip after a copper accidentally fired a gun and its cartridge bounced off the floor, smacking her in the face. All this happened on a school trip to Sherwood Lodge - the girl’s fine now but the po po were a little less than transparent about the whole affair, pissing off many a councillor. Sort it out, you plonker plods.

Ne-No
A Nottingham mum has had an operation to stop her from having seizures that are triggered by the voice of pop star Ne-Yo. Having to walk around everywhere with headphones on to drown out lurking tunes was growing somewhat tiresome, so she’s had part of her brain removed. Unfortunately, she still has a fit every time she hears him, so we’re calling for the r’n’b cheese master to do her, and everyone else, a favour and hush his mush.

Crass Monkey
According to some pretty angry reviewers on the Facebook, Brass Monkey has been getting a bit heavy handed with its patrons of late. Sadly, the bar didn’t respond too well, essentially insulting everyone who posted on their wall. The manager’s brother even decided on a bit of trolling, though we don’t think anyone paid too much attention to his goading, as it was a bit shit. As the final cherry on the cake, Monkey even uploaded an image of someone getting punched as their cover photo - because they’re just that funneh. We’re sure business will be roaring over the Christmas season.