What Notts #4

You're a winner in our eyes, Oakie

The Major Oak Lost Tree of the Year
What the flippety flop? We don’t know what’s going on, but there are some terribly misinformed tree folk roaming around Europe. Our beloved Major Oak placed just sixth in the European Tree of the Year competition, losing out to an Estonian oak tree that lives in the middle of a football field. Excuse us, but no other tree we know of comes pre-packed with a philanthropic legend. Not that we’re bitter, of course. Hmph.

On Track
They’ve caused nothing but ball ache for a lot of Nottingham residents, but the new tram lines are finally on their way to being completed. Honestly. After causing no end of disruption to local business and residential areas, we can at last see some good coming from the train/bus hybrids. Thirty new jobs are to become available - from cleaners to drivers, there’s a fair few career paths being carved in place of the havoc.

Emett Clock Relocation
With Vicceh Centre having gone through a bit of a refurb, the suits in charge have decided to move the clock to the first floor, near Disneh, away from its previous site outside Boowutts. You’ve had a fair bit to say about that, and demanded the landmark be placed in its original home. The fountain clocked up around quarter of a million pounds for local charities while it was there, let’s hope the less-toed location doesn’t have an effect on its wealth.

Pet Crematorium Cremation
There’s been a fire in a crematorium, but not the kind they normally deal with. The Antara Pet Crematorium in West Bridgford has gone up in smoke, leaving the committed, loving owners of the business devastated and their livelihood under threat. Having turned to furry friend funeral services after running a luxury dog hotel, the couple kept the business ticking over for a whopping 23 years and were too distraught to comment to local press. Right, who’s manning the Kickstarter campaign?

Nottingham is Well Good
The tune has officially been changed. After being - unfairly - branded as Shottingham, our city’s finally getting the recognition it deserves after being placed in The Sunday Times’ top five best places to live in the Midlands. Actually ducks, we’re in the top one. They reckon we’re nuff trendy and have got well rich history as well as a bangin’ music scene. We’ll probably be back on the shitpile next week, so lap up the glory days while you can, Hood Towners.

School Scale
Two permanently excluded pupils from Big Wood near Top Valley were so desperate to terrorise that they scaled the fences of their old school grounds to get in. If that’s not a turn-up for the books we don’t know what is. Teachers had to restrain them, and police were called to escort them back to their mams’ yards. Hopefully they’ve had a clip round the ear and a good book shoved under their nose.

Bus Smash
The coppers are after a walking stick-wielding bloke who smashed a bus window. We can only speculate what got him so riled up: was it the annoying, automated voice? Did he totally lose his shit at someone for closing the window? Was his lack of change a catalyst? An Luddite ex-route planner outraged at digital timetables? Either way, if you saw the brute, let the 5-0 know and blow this case wide open.

Rob Bin
An unusual trend has sprung up around Nottingham - people have been nicking the public bins. There have been 34 seized from residents in the past month or so, much to the despair of the Council who have to fork out 350 smackers for each one. No wonder they’re disappearing. Hopefully this won’t lead to every man, woman and child dashing their tuffy wrappers all over the shop, but that there hope may be in vain.

Human Billboards No More
If you’ve driven past those poor sods dressed up as giant pizza boards and just felt hungry and well-informed, you’re out of luck. The council have deemed the role demeaning, and ordered Domino’s to quit using the human billboards. The move has divided opinion, cos the position does offer easy work to those who would otherwise be out of a job. But, let’s face it, it’s hard not to feel a pang of societal disarray when you clock ‘em looking like they’d rather be shovelling shit.

Community Affair
You Beestonians have been engaging in a bit too much ‘how’s yer father’ with the milkman and milkwoman, bagging yersen’s the title of the most adulterous town in the UK, according to The Independent. We can only speculate how the data’s collected - maybe it’s that Beeston is actually the most honest town in the country - but apparently there are 941 affairs happening within the village walls, with you lot popping your hands in the cookie jar one too many times. Them marriage vows aren’t gonna keep themselves, you dirty boggers.

Charity Smash
Speaking of vandalising mother fluffers, the Oxfam on Market Street got its front door kicked in, meaning they had to remain closed for the majority of the following day. Not only have they lost out on cash, but the charity’s got to fork out for a new door instead of using the money to tackle poverty. Way to go, shit-for-brains. We hope you broke your toes in the process.

War Torn
A wise man once said that war’s good for absolutely nothing, and the loss of Clarendon Performing Arts and Inspire Academy student Konstandinos Erik Scurfield brings that truth closer to home - he was the first UK national to lose their life in Syria. Kosta, as he was known to friends, travelled to fight ISIS on behalf of Kurdish forces, and was shot in battle. Our thoughts are with his family and friends.