Illustration: Rikki Marr
LASER BASTARD
A bloke has been fined 600 smackers for flogging dodgy laser swords at Goose Fair last year. The swords had super strength lasers that were sixteen times stronger than the permitted level for toys. We are slightly gutted that the police found this shit before we did. Yeah, they could have potentially blinded a few kids, but we were looking forward to being the baddest mother fuckers in the rave.
GIANT TRAMPOLINES
All our childhood dreams are coming true. A company called Planet Bounce is opening a massive trampoline room on Huntingdon Street, so you can leg it across the length of the springy surface, bounce off the wall, and repeat, eventually creating your own space-time continuum. On top of bending physics, the place will be creating about fifty jobs. Win.
DOWNLOAD YOUR FACE
Festival attendees were subject to getting their faces scanned and logged by Leicestershire Police last month. While the implementation of an annoyingly convenient cashless system got a wry smile of acceptance, people everywhere have been kicking off about the OTT, big brother bullshit that unsuspecting moshers weren’t even informed of.
MAKUTU SQUARE
Big-time street magician Dynamo visited our humble city to promote his arena show, coming at the end of the year. Crowds gathered in the square, mams begged him to bless their babies, and a sea of smartphones rose into the sky. He certainly had a few nifty tricks up his sleeve, but one woman’s words succinctly captured the mood – “Fuck this. I’ve only got twenty minutes left on my dinner and I can’t see a bastard thing.”
PUDDING PIRATE
Some cheeky tea leaves lobbed a brick through The Pudding Pantry’s window to take their two charity jars and staff tip jar. Classy. The two charities are Macmillan and RSPB, so when all the robin redbreasts have copped it, and we’ve got nobody to turn to… Well, let’s just hope the little bleeders have got plenty of Horlicks stashed in their cupboards.
POOR BEGGARS
Beggars can now receive a fine of up to £200 if they’re caught asking for cash on the street. Sure, it makes more sense to give money to organisations like Framework, but how anyone thinks this is going to make anyone’s situation better is beyond us. There will always be those who exploit kind nature, but tarring every person in need with the same brush? That shit just don’t sit right with us.
REASONABLE ROMP
Poundland, with its six Nottinghamshire shops, has started stocking sex toys which it assures will be kept on top shelves, out of the reach of kids. That’s all very well and good, but what about the impending embarrassing conversations between staff and frisky short arses, eh? Any road, the ‘item’ retails at, you guessed it, a quid. Never before has bustin’ one out been so frugal.
MONSTER OF ROCK
Slash, aka the hairiest man in rock, decided to have a break from the mud at Download this year to catch a flick at Cineworld. It seemed only natural that he’d pick the latest blockbuster, and he was spotted hiding behind his hands at the scariest bit of Jurassic World. Okay, that’s not been confirmed, but we’ve heard he was good enough to take his hat off.
CHEESE THIEF
A bloke has been sent down after brie-ching a suspended sentence, through robbing 45 quid’s worth of cheese... and some laundry detergent. He mozzarella needed to wash his clothes, and the poor sod obviously didn’t have enough cheddar to buy any actual cheddar. But stilton, it’s no excuse to go cleaning out Morrison’s of all their coagulated goods. Hearing about this stuff really grates on us. It’s no gouda.
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