What Notts

Tourists got stuck in Highfields' boating lake silt. Image: Rikki Marr

WEEDY CROP
One hapless, not-so-green-fingered Sneinton resident has been caught growing fifteen cannabis plants in his bedsit, using only natural light to feed his little pretties. Rookie mistake. Mr Ogle has been evicted and forced to pay hefty fines after his poorly-researched, stoner endeavour fell through. Following his arrest, the magistrate said, “Obviously, you are rubbish at growing cannabis plants”. You couldn’t make it up.

THAT TRUMPS IT
One local lad who won’t be pranking his uncles with fart sounds at Sunday dinner is little Leo Fitzpatrick, who had his brand spankin’ Minions Fart Blaster confiscated at Dublin Airport. Apparently, because the toy has a trigger, it is classed as a replica gun, and those are on the no-go list for passengers. The toddler has the face of an angel – taking owt off him is a task reserved for only the most heartless of jobsworths.

ROBERT HOOD
Our Rob’s goin’ on his jollies. Well, his twin brother is. The wizards that crafted the castle statue are working their magic to create an exact replica to send to our sister city, Ningbo, China. They’ve also got a University of Nottingham campus which is pretty similar to the original over here, with a lake and their own version of the Trent Building. It’s all getting a bit Freaky Friday in Ningbo, in’t it.

DIRTY TALK, FOUL PLAY
There’s premium rates, and then there’s premium rates. Naughty chat lines have been known to rip you off for a bob or two – not that we’d know – but this lot have taken things to a whole new level. The crooks behind Vicky’s Club have been accused of taking up to £600,000 from vulnerable men, lying about illness and the deaths of their children to secure their funds. How low can you go?

THREE POUND O’ BANANA KNIFE, ONE POUND
Back in the day, kids used to go door to door flogging glacier cherry-topped rice krispie cakes for Red Nose Day. Now, they’re all about giving you the best deal on a shiny new shank. In The Meadows, some kids have been knocking on, flogging knives. Police are warning that they may be working with older associates, and to stay safe by only answering the door to people you know.

DUMBO DUO
Two lads have been arrested for GBH following a knife fight, smack bang in the middle of the Market Square beach. Right in front of a load of children. What kind of dribbly mushy peas must be between your ears for you to even consider having a pop at the lad from down yer road with a kitchen knife in front of a kids’ ride? They should both be bloody ashamed of ‘emsens.

NURSE KIM’S TRAM
Here’s one that’ll cheer you right up. Notts born and bred nurse Kim Helm has been awarded the title of Nurse of the Year for her outstanding care of children that spans over forty years. In a proper show of appreciation, they’ve stuck her name on the front of one of the new trams. She now joins a pretty impressive roll call and everyone around Notts will know her name. Goo on, our Kim.

COPPERS ON THE ASHES
Our local bobbies had a right good chuckle this month, using their social media sites to comment on the state of Australia’s batting during The Ashes: “We're receiving reports of Aussies in trouble” was the tweet, complete with a policeman emoticon, of course. Worra larf they must have had. They weren’t the only ones to comment – Crimestoppers got in on the joke with: “Sorry, we can’t take any calls about criminal Australian batting”. You guys.