What Notts

illustration: Rikki Marr 

GUMTEEF
Gone are the days of flogging your wares fear-free on the world wide web. Now, earning some dosh from selling your manky sofa is coupled with the danger of having your stuff nicked by some bleddy riff raff. One Basford lad has ruined it for everyone by meeting users to buy their smartphones and pinching the device, never to be seen again. The buffoon's antics have earned him five years in the slammer.

POT-FLOGGING SPROGS
Fifty school kids in Nottingham have been caught in possession of class A and B drugs. Fifty. Two of which were at primary school. Primary school. What happened to snorting a sherbet Dip Dab and getting proper wappy, eh? Are nippers so streetwise now that their idea of a good time in the playground is flogging an eighth of wacky backy to the reception kids? We don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

GIRLS ALLOWED
The prayers of hundreds of boys have finally been answered. Nottingham High School are welcoming girls through the door for the first time in the school’s 502 year history. As well as creating some primary school places for little Sarahs and Susans, the school has accepted lady-beings into their sixth form with an aim to get girls of all ages through the doors by next September. Chat up lines at the ready, lads.

LOST THE CHOC
A Nottinghamshire lady – somehow, we have no idea – managed to lose her Belgian chocolates on the coach back from their motherland, so she asked the coppers for a bit of help. Nottinghamshire Police stuck a Facebook post online and everyone lost the plot, either shouting about their wasting of time “playing Charlie and The Chocolate Factory” or giving them a knowing, digital nod for their cocoa-based pursuit. We’re going with the latter.

JUNKTION SELLOUTS
Everyone’s favourite old underage drinking spot has indeed looked a bleddy great mess since it shut its doors in 2011, but has been providing bouts of wabi sabi and nostalgia for lost nineties kids and old-school gig-goers Nottingham-wide. Now, the legendary building is getting torn down for – yep, you guessed it – more student flats. Eight storeys of the boggers. It’s okay, we’re crying too. Perhaps, with all our tears combined, we can flood the gaff when it lands.

VIGIL VIGILANTES
Nottingham has been all abuzz with people taking matters into their own hands to help refugees stranded in Calais. Collection points for camping gear and food popped up all over the city, one of which was in Market Square, with hundreds showing up in support. Our Adel – a Syrian refugee we spoke to a couple of issues back – gave a speech alongside others, so vigil-goers could better understand the humanitarian crisis that’s currently happening.

NONSTOP STOPS
Yes, you heard us right. And no, we’re not joking. Nottingham’s legendary skate shop has been providing decks, trucks and style to the local floppy-haired populace for 25 long years, but now they’re out of the rat race and have offered up their property on St. James’s Street. So long, fair friend. Although your physical presence may have ceased, your memory will live on in grinds and fakies for decades to come. (They’re still in business online.)

FIRE IN THE HALL
If you ever went to Rushcliffe Arena, you might have fond memories of going mental at Run Riot, or having a nice, relaxing game of bowls in the sports hall. Either way, you’ve had your lot. The gaff was undergoing plans of redevelopment, but bursting into flames was probably not on the agenda. West Bridgford residents took to social media to share snaps, with paranoid mams all over Notts assuming it was a smoke signal from their kids stuck in the ball pit.