Illustration: Raphael Achache
RUSTY RETRIEVAL
During a routine weed check on the Regatta Lake at Holme Pierrepont, a 1982 Ford Capri was discovered and pulled out. DVLA records suggest that the car could’ve been lingering in the lake for more than twenty years. As you can imagine, there was some serious bucket rust going down. In its time below the surface, the car became home for a family of eels with one about the size of an arm. Soz, us owd muckers, time to relocate.
NO GIANT WATER SLIDE YOU WHAT
Remember the impending giant water slide at Wollaton Park that we were banging on about a couple of issues back? The organisers, City Slide, failed to get back to Nottingham City Council with more details on exactly what the deal was, so the plans have been pulled. If that’s not enough to get your arms flailing like one of those inflatable wacky waving tube men they have at carpet stores and the like, then we’d like a dose of whatever rage-quelling wizardry you’ve got hold of. Please.
RECTUM ROBBER
After a recent gang burglary in which two rings, a £4,500 watch and a £30,000 Audi A7 were nicked, police pursued a stolen Volvo involved in the robbery. The driver, allegedly twice the drink-drive limit, was stopped and taken into custody. At the station, an immediate strip search was conducted and, after a squat and cough, the ring was discovered wedged inside his crap factory. You gotta hand it to him for giving it a crack.
FLYING HORSE
Move over Northern Lights. We’ve had our very own aurora borealis right on our doorstep, thank you very much. And this one came equine-based. Artist Dave Lynch shone a sodium light through slits in a spinning disc of images to project a moving image onto a wall, then a laser through lenses on the disc to project the image of a galloping horse across the clouds of Nottingham’s skyline. Sounds like some Harry Potter shit to us.
BURLY GIRLY
You can do one, Mr Schwarzenegger, we’ve got our own Arnold talent. Eighteen-year-old Kenia Salmon, a lean, mean, muscle machine has only gone and bossed her first ever bodybuilding competition. After a mere fourteen months in training, the former Arnold Hill Academy student continued her winning streak and out-built her competitors to achieve first place. Surely there ain’t a bogger in town daft enough to get on the wrong side of them biceps. Go on, girl.
MOUTHY MAYOR
At a Bingham festival, the Mayor of Rushcliffe introduced a Queen tribute act by saying their rendition of Fat Bottomed Girls was “for the girls of Bingham”. Needless to say, there’s been divided opinion about the appropriateness of his joke, and Councillor Francis Purdue-Horan has refused to apologise according to the Post. It might be advisable to turn the other cheek on this one, Franneh. The event took place in – wait for it – Butt Field Sports Club.
SPLENDOUR
Once again, the DHP massive took over Wollo Park for an entire day’s worth of musical mayhem in the name of summer. Headliners The Specials tore up the main stage in an eruption of ska-reggae-punk glory. It wasn’t the only thing that got tore up though, as one poor bogger had part of his ear gnawed off by a particularly aggressive ticket holder. We guess the burger van queue was just too long. If anyone saw anything, cos this poor guy didn’t, please come forward to help police catch the tab nibbler.
WORRA LORRY RUBBISH
Sports Direct is ruining our high street. No, literally turning it into ruins. One of the most beautiful buildings in our city, the Watson Fothergill building on George Street, fell victim to the back end of one of the sports shop’s bleddy great vans, and has subsequently bashed a bloody great hole in the bay of the listed building. We hope they’re footing the bill for the repairs, and start checking their bleddy mirrors.
TRAM CLANGER
If the Beestonians weren’t pissed off enough already, the silly sausages at NET managed to drop a right boob by whacking a sign up reading “Chillwell Road”, all inclusive of an extra, unnecessary, “L”. One of our illustrators Ian Jones commented on Facebook, “Maybe the overrun of a year was not enough time for them to double check spellings.” We aggree. Tottally unnproffessional.
SWIMMING SPIDERS
Think you're safe in the bath, arachnophobes? Think again. Them eight-legged devils can swim, apparently. Research conducted by the University of Nottingham has discovered how money spiders use their legs as rudders and propel themselves across the water. The Spider-Lab at the university is used by students to study a range of subjects including ecology and genetics.
WINDMILL PARTY
If you’ve ever had a trek into Sneinton, you’ll know about Green’s Windmill – one of Nottingham’s most iconic landmarks. This year is the thirtieth anniversary of the owd bogger’s makeover, and we celebrated it in true Notts style – with a bloody BBQ, of course. A true family affair, mams, dads, boys and girls flocked to the mill to indulge in a little bit of a sing song. Loveleh.
BACON BUST-UP
There ain’t nothing like a proper bacon cob to warm the cockles of your sorely hungover heart of a Sunday morning. But one lad from Long Eaton had a nasty surprise when he opened his seven-pack of bacon rashers to find a measly six rashers living it up with all the extra room. After a humorous conversation with Tesco, in which a bacon lovin’ customer services rep sympathised with the brekkie-deprived bogger and shipped him a tidy refund. Yes, it has been a quiet month…
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