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illustration: Rikki Marr
FLATTENING HOPE
We bend over backwards to accommodate the floods of freshers that descend upon our city each year. Our bars offer ‘em two-for-one Jägerbombs, and they repay us by taking a wazz upside the Theatre Royal. Now, we’re knocking down The Salvation Army hostel in Sneinton that’s used to house our city’s homeless. In favour of more student flats. Why don’t we just bulldoze the council house, build ‘em a castle and be done with it?
BARKING MAD
We’ve bleedin’ well heard it all now. This year, a cosy little grotto is opening in Sherwood for dog lovers to get their pampered pooches right in the festive spirit. You what? The mutt can’t tell the difference between his own tail and a chew toy, lerralone what day it is. Still, all donations raised go to the Jerry Green Dog Rescue in Blidworth, so we guess it’s not all woofin’ bonkers.
BRITAIN’S WORST
While Nottingham Sea Cadets were selling poppies for Remembrance Day, two members of that wonderful, inclusive, open-minded organisation Britain First asked for a photo with them without mentioning who they were. They later posted it to Facebook, declaring that they were ‘protecting the poppy’, and NSC have come out and said they don’t want owt to do with them. Keep yer bullshit assumptions to yourself, and don’t involve our sea-lovin’ kiddos. Cheeky feckin’ boggers.
SKINT OFF YOUR TEETH
Apparently, the tooth fairy is bein’ well stingy with our sprogs when their tegs drop out. While the going rate for a kiddy tooth across the rest of the country averages out at about £2.10, Notts’ small humans are receiving a measly £1.26 for their dismembered body parts. Count yersens lucky. When we lost a tooth we got a box of raisins and a clip round the ear for gerrin’ blood on the settee.
TAKE CHARGE
Some bloke got on the train from London and asked an unsuspecting passenger if he could charge his phone off their laptop. Seems innocent enough, but the cheeky plankter tried to rob the bleeding thing when he got off in Long Eaton. Nice one, you mug. Just when humanity starts to redeem itself, this total end of the bell toddles along. He left empty handed though, din’t he. Hopefully he feels daft as a brush after that colossally cackbrained manoeuvre.
FREE HUGS
At a time when tensions are high and ignorance is rife, one lad has taken it upon himself to spread a little love in the streets of Nottingham. In a move that kicked negative stereotypes of Muslims to the kerb, Yusuf Pirot blindfolded himself and gave out free hugs with signs reading “I am a Muslim, not a terrorist,” and “I trust you. Do you trust me?” Well done, lad.
POUND FOR POUND
A Mansfield woman blackmailed her married lover into giving her £7,000 after her photographer papped them bumping uglies behind a tree. Classeh. After the bloke made two payments of £3,500 into her account, the sneaky lady got banged up and is now being forced to pay compensation. A peppercorn sum of a quid. Yep, the broke mother fudger is spent up after splashing her depraved dosh on gawd knows what. Face. Palm.
DON’T JUST KEEP SWIMMING
The poor dears at a Mansfield leisure centre were evacuated after a suspected gas leak early in November. The sorry sods had to leave immediately, in nowt but their bathers and space blankets. The street looked like Christmas dinner with all that turkey skin wrapped up in foil. National Grid turned up and sorted it out by the afternoon, but the freezing front crawlers had already bobbed off. That’s one morning that could have gone more swimmingly. Not sorry.
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